ALICE IN WONDERLAND
A One Act Play for Young Actors
Based on the book by Lewis Carroll
Adapted for the stage by Stephen Gashler
Character List
• Alice
• Queen of Hearts
• White Rabbit
• Mad Hatter
• March Hare
• Duchess
• Knave of Hearts
• King of Hearts
• Cheshire Cat
• Dodo
• Mouse
• Sister
• Bill the Lizard
• Card 1
• Card 2
• Dormouse
• Caterpillar
• Pigeon
• Hedgehog
• Flamingo 1
• Flamingo 2
It's a lazy, summer day. ALICE (and young girl) and her older SISTER sit reading a book.
sister
‘William the Conqueror, whose cause was favored by the pope, was soon submitted to by the English, who wanted leaders, and had been of late much accustomed to usurpation and conquest. Edwin and Morcar, the earls of Mercia and Northumbria' ... Wake up, Alice! Pay attention.
1 - forest
It's a lazy, summer day. ALICE sits, reading a book.
Alice
Oh, what a terribly boring history lesson. I ask you, what is the use of a book without pictures or conversations?
Enter a WHITE RABBIT.
Rabbit
(checking a pocket watch)
Oh dear! Oh dear! I shall be late!
Alice
You know, I don't think I've ever seen a rabbit with either a waistcoat-pocket, or a watch to take out of it.
The WHITE RABBIT jumps down a hole.
Alice
Wait, where are you going? Just when something interesting was happening, it had to jump in a hole. I wonder what's down there? Well there's one way to find out. Mister Rabbit, wait for me!
ALICE jumps in the hole. Blackout.
2 - hole
ALICE falls.
Alice
How very strange. I've never fallen so slowly before. After this, I shall think nothing of tumbling down stairs! I must be getting somewhere near the center of the earth. Let me see: that would be four thousand miles down, I think. But then I wonder what latitude or longitude I’ve got to? Truth be told, I have no idea what latitude or longitude are, but they seem like grand words to say.
My cat will miss me very much tonight, I should think!
I hope they’ll remember her saucer of milk at tea-time. My dear Dinah! I wish you were down here with me! There are no mice in the air, I’m afraid, but you might catch a bat, and that’s very like a mouse, you know.
ALICE hits bottom.
Alice
Imagine. I'm not a bit hurt!
Enter WHITE RABBIT.
White rabbit
Oh my ears and whiskers, how late it’s getting!
Exit WHITE RABBIT.
Alice
Wait, Mister Rabbit, I want to come too! Now which way did he go. Oh dear. How am I ever going to get out of this place?
She discovers a little door.
Alice
A little door. But I could never fit through unless I could squish myself up like a telescope. With everything else I've experienced today, I suppose nothing is impossible. Though what's this?
She picks up a bottle.
Alice
(reading the label)
It says "Drink me." Well it's all very well to say “Drink me,” but for all I know you could be poison. I'd better just start with a little taste. Mmm. Cherry-tart, custard, pine-apple, roast turkey, toffee, and hot buttered toast.
She downs the bottle.
Alice
What a curious feeling! I believe I am, in fact, squishing up like a telescope. I hope I don't shrink too much, or I might go out altogether like a candle.
Alice has grown smaller, and the door is larger.
Alice
Oh, good, I'm just the right size. How queer everything is today! And yesterday things went on as usual. Or perhaps this usual, and I'm the one who's unusual. Come to think of it, I hardly feel myself anymore. Perhaps I only think I'm Alice when I'm really Betty or Winnifred. I'll bet these things are completely normal for a Winnifred.
She tries to open the door.
Alice
Oh no, it's locked. Come to think of it, I did see a key on next to the bottle. But now I'm far too small. If only ... what's this?
She discovers a piece of cake.
Alice
A little cake wrapped in paper with the words ... eat me. Well, if it's half as delicious as that drink ...
She devours the cake and grows very large. The door is now very small.
Alice
Drat, I ate too much. Now I'm far too big, and the door is far too small. I'll never get out of here, and they'll forget all about me, poor little Alice, or Winnifred, or whoever I am.
She cries.
Alice
It's no use crying, you silly girl. Unless ... dear me, I'm shrinking again. I must be crying the cake right out of my system. But now I fear I'm growing much too small. I'm falling right into a pool!
The door is now nowhere in sight, and Alice is swimming in water.
Alice
I'm up to my chin in salt water! But where did that come from?
Enter a swimming mouse.
Mouse
Hello.
Alice
A talking mouse! Everything is queer today.
Mouse
You look just like the giant whose tears made this pool.
Alice
I wish I hadn’t cried so much! Now I'll be drowned in my own tears!
Mouse
Then why did you jump in the pool in the first place?
Alice
I assure you, it was quite by accident.
Enter a DODO, who joins the others for a swim.
Dodo
Lovely day for a swim, isn't it?
Mouse
Indeed.
Alice
Nothing will surprise me anymore. Please, can either of you help me find a way out? I can't stay afloat much longer.
Mouse
I haven't finished my morning exercise, but if you insist, hold onto my tail.
The MOUSE pulls ALICE out of the water.
Alice
Thank you.
The DODO joins them.
Dodo
Is the party over already? Well, I suppose we'd better figure out how to dry ourselves off.
Alice
Perhaps we should look for some towels.
dodo
Nonsense. I am older than you, and therefore know better.
Alice
How old are you?
dodo
Old people never disclose their ages.
Mouse
Everyone sit down and listen to me! I’ll make you dry enough. This is the driest thing I know. Silence, if you please, for a history lesson. ‘William the Conqueror, whose cause was favored by the pope, was soon submitted to by the English, who wanted leaders, and had been of late much accustomed to usurpation and conquest. Edwin and Morcar, the earls of Mercia and Northumbria—’”
Alice
Oh, not more history.
Mouse
I beg your pardon! Did you speak?
Alice
No.
Mouse
I proceed. ‘Edwin and Morcar, the earls of Mercia and Northumbria, and even Stigand, the patriotic archbishop of Canterbury, found it advisable—’
dodo
Found what?
Mouse
Found it. of course you know what ‘it’ means.
dodo
I know what ‘it’ means well enough, when I find a thing. It’s generally a frog or a worm. The question is, what did the archbishop find?
Mouse
‘—he found it advisable to go with Edgar Atheling to meet William and offer him the crown. William’s conduct at first was moderate. But the insolence of his Normans—’ How are you getting on now, my dear?
Alice
As wet as ever. It doesn’t seem to dry me at all.
Dodo
In that case, I move that the meeting adjourn, for the immediate adoption of more energetic remedies.
Alice
Please speak English. I don’t know the meaning of half those long words.
Dodo
What I was going to say before being so rudely interrupted was that the best thing to get us dry would be a Caucus-race.
Alice
What is a Caucus-race?
Dodo
Why, the best way to explain it is to do it. Follow my lead, on three. One, two, three!
The DODO and the MOUSE run in a circle, and ALICE joins in.
Alice
How long shall must we do this?
mouse
Not long. Perhaps an hour or two.
Alice
Can we please stop? I'm tired.
Dodo
The race is over!
Mouse
But who has won?
Dodo
That is a good question, a very good question indeed. Upon careful analysis and after deep consideration, I have arrived at the opinion that ... everybody has won, and all must have prizes!
Mouse
But who is to give the prizes?
Dodo
Why, she, of course.
Dodo, mouse
Prizes! Prizes! Prizes!
Alice
Well, I ... I do have some jelly beans in pocket. Though they're a little hairy.
Dodo
That will be perfect!
The DODO and MOUSE eagerly devour the jelly beans.
Mouse
But she must have a prize herself.
Dodo
Of course. What else have you got in your pocket?
Alice
Only a thimble.
Dodo
Hand it over here.
(ceremonially)
We beg your acceptance of this elegant thimble.
ALICE receives the thimble, and the others cheer.
Mouse
And now it's time for another history lesson. I have a long and sad tale!
dodo
You do have a long tail, certainly, but why do you call it sad?
Alice
My Dinah also has a long tail.
Dodo
And who is Dinah, if I might venture to ask the question?
Alice
Dinah’s our cat. And she’s such a capital one for catching mice! And oh, I wish you could see her after the birds!
Dodo
I really must be getting home; the night-air doesn’t suit my throat!
Mouse
I'm afraid it's past my bed time!
The MOUSE and DODO run off.
Alice
I wish I hadn’t mentioned Dinah. Nobody seems to like her, down here, though I’m sure she’s the best cat in the world! Oh, my dear Dinah! I wonder if I shall ever see you any more!
Enter the WHITE RABBIT.
White rabbit
The Duchess! The Duchess! Oh my dear paws! Oh my fur and whiskers! She’ll get me executed, as sure as ferrets are ferrets! Where can I have dropped my gloves, I wonder? Why, Mary Ann, what are you doing out here?
Alice
Mary Ann? Perhaps that's who I am.
White rabbit
Of course that's who you are. You're my housemaid, Mary Ann. Now run home this moment, and fetch me a pair of gloves!
Alice
But I'm not sure how to go anywhere.
White rabbit
Have you lost your wits? My house is straight over there.
Alice
Why, everything has changed. I'm no longer in a room at all but under a clear sky. How queer this place is.
White rabbit
Quick, now! Fetch me my gloves!
Alice
If you say so.
Blackout.
3. House
Enter ALICE.
Alice
I certainly don't feel like a Mary Ann, and I'm certain I was never a housemaid for a white rabbit.
White rabbit
(off)
Do hurry, Mary Ann!
Alice
But he's so frightfully insistent, I better find his gloves. Hello? Anybody home? What's this?
She discovers another table with a bottle on it.
Alice
(reading)
"Drink me." I do hope it’ll make me grow large again, for I’m quite tired of being ordered around by mice and rabbits.
She drinks the bottle and grows so large that her head, arms, and legs jut out of a house (costume).
Alice
I wish I'd never gone down that rabbit hole.
Aside, enter the WHITE RABBIT.
WhiTE RABBIT
Mary Ann! Fetch me my gloves this --
(looking up)
Goodness gracious! Bill! Bill! Where are you?
Enter BILL (a lizard).
bill
Yes, your honor?
WHITE RABBIT
What is that?
Bill
Seems your house has sprouted arms and legs, your honor.
White rabbit
Well, they have no business there. Go and take them away!
Bill
But your honor --
White RABBIT
Do as I tell you, you coward!
Still aside, BILL pantomimes pulling ALICE's leg. ALICE pantomimes kicking BILL, and Bill falls down.
white rabbit
There's only one thing to do. We must burn the house down!
Alice
If you do, I’ll set Dinah on you!
bill
I've heard rumor of this Dinah: monstrous fangs, claws that will tear you apart.
White rabbit
Then this calls for full-on warfare. Bill, use your award-winning throwing arm. Some nice, hard rocks ought to do the trick.
Bill
If you say so, your honor.
BILL pantomimes throwing a rock.
Alice
Ouch! It hit me. Wait a minute ...
She runs a finger a long her face, then licks it.
Alice
Mmm, the rock turned into cake. Of course it did. But will it make me grow larger? No, I don't think I can possible grow larger, which means there's only way to go.
ALICE eats the cake off her face. She shrinks down to her prior size as everyone else exits.
bill
(off)
The monster shrank! She's hiding in the house!
White rabbit
Attack her, you coward!
Alice
I think I'll exit through the back door.
Blackout.
4. Forest
Enter ALICE.
Alice
I've got to find a way out of this place. But first I've got to grow to my right size again.
She encounters a large mushroom and a CATERPILLAR.
Caterpillar
(tiredly and coldly)
Who are you?
Alice
I ... I hardly know at present. I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.
Caterpillar
What do you mean by that? Explain yourself!
Alice
I can’t explain myself, I’m afraid, because, what with all this changing sizes, I’m not myself, you see.
CaterPILLAR
I don’t see.
Alice
Well, when you have to turn into a chrysalis, and then after that into a butterfly, I should think you’ll feel it a little queer, won’t you?
CateRPILLAR
Not a bit.
Alice
It would feel very queer to me.
CATERPILLAR
You! Who are you?
Alice
I think, you ought to tell me who you are, first.
CATERPILLAR
Why?
Alice
(fed up)
Never mind.
She begins to walks off.
CATERPILLAR
(angrily)
Come back! I’ve something important to say!
Alice
Well?
CATERPILLAR
Keep your temper.
Alice
(unimpressed)
Is that all?
CATERPILLAR
What size do you want to be?
Alice
Well, I should like to be a little larger. Three inches is such a wretched height.
CATERPILLAR
It is a very good height indeed!
ALICE
But I’m not used to it!
CATERPILLAR
Well if you're so set on being monstrously large instead of a nice, respectable size, one side will make you grow taller, and the other side will make you grow shorter.
Alice
One side of what?
CATERPILLAR
The mushroom, of course! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going for cover.
Exit the CATERPILLAR. ALICE tears off two pieces from the front and back of the mushroom.
Alice
Which is which?
She takes a bite of one of the pieces. She grows so large, she's standing amid treetops. Enter a PIGEON, aside.
pigeon
Snake!
Alice
I’m not a snake!
pigeon
Snake, I say! They're always after my eggs. I've tried laying them under tree roots, beneath bushes, and now in the treetops, but there's no escaping the snakes! As if it wasn’t trouble enough hatching the eggs. Why, I haven’t had a wink of sleep these three weeks!
Alice
I’m very sorry. But I’m not a snake. I’m a ... I’m a ...
Pigeon
I can see you’re trying to invent something!
Alice
I’m a little girl ... I think.
Pigeon
A likely story indeed! I suppose you’ll be telling me next that you never tasted an egg!
Alice
I have tasted eggs, certainly. Little girls eat eggs quite as much as snakes do, you know.
Piegon
Then a little girl is a kind of snake. As long as you're looking for eggs, what does it matter to me whether you’re a little girl or a snake?
Alice
It matters a good deal to me, but I’m not looking for eggs.
Pigeon
Well, be off, then!
Alice
Gladly.
She nibbles on her other piece of mushroom and shrinks down to her normal size. The treetops disappear, and the PIGEON exits. Enter the CHESHIRE CAT (a cat with an unsettling grin).
Alice
Hello, there. You look like my Dinah ... only your claws are very long, and you have a great many teeth. And that grin. I didn't know cats could grin like that. Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?
Cheshire cat
That depends a good deal on where you want to get to.
Alice
Well, I'd like to get home.
ChESHIRE CAT
Home? I've never heard of such a place. It must not exist.
Alice
Perhaps I only dreamed there was a place called home. Then I suppose I don’t much care where—
CHESHIRE CAT
Then it doesn’t matter which way you go.
Alice
—so long as I get somewhere.
CHESHIRE CAT
Oh, you’re sure to do that if you only walk long enough.
Alice
What sort of people live about here?
CHESHIRE CAT
In that direction lives a Hatter: and in that direction lives a March Hare. Visit either you like; they’re both mad.
Alice
But I don’t want to go among mad people.
CHESHIRE CAT
Oh, you can’t help that. We’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad.
ALICE
How do you know I’m mad?
CHESHIRE CAT
You must be, or you wouldn’t have come here.
ALICE
And how do you know that you’re mad?
CHESHIRE CAT
To begin with, a dog’s not mad. You grant that?
ALICE
I suppose so.
CHESHIRE CAT
A dog growls when it’s angry and wags its tail when it’s pleased. Now I growl when I’m pleased, and wag my tail when I’m angry. Therefore I’m mad.
ALICE
I call it purring, not growling.
CHESHIRE CAT
Will you be playing croquet with the Queen today?
Alice
Croquet with the queen? That sounds like fun. But I haven’t been invited.
CHESHIRE CAT
You’ll see me there.
The CHESHIRE CAT fades away, leaving only its grin, floating in the air.
Alice
The cat vanished. Of course it vanished. Why wouldn't it vanish? Only it left its teeth. Well! I’ve often seen a cat without a grin, but a grin without a cat!
Now should I visit the mad hatter or the march hare? Being as it's May, I suppose the hare shouldn't be as raving mad as he was in March. That's something.
Blackout.
5. The march hare's yard
The MARCH HARE and the HATTER enjoy a tea party at a large table covered with dishes. Among them, asleep, is a DORMOUSE. The MARCH HARE and HATTER rest their arms and legs on the DORMOUSE.
Alice
Oh dear, they're both together. So much for minimizing madness.
March hare, hatter
(seeing Alice)
No room! No room!
Alice
There’s plenty of room!
She sits at the table.
March hare
Have some juice.
Alice
I don’t see any juice.
MaRCH HARE
There isn’t any.
Alice
Then it wasn’t very civil of you to offer it.
MARCH HARE
It wasn’t very civil of you to sit down without being invited.
Alice
Well, I --
Hatter
(to Alice)
You need a haircut.
Alice
You shouldn't make personal remarks. It’s rude.
Hatter
Why is a raven like a writing-desk?
Alice
Ooh, a riddle. I believe I can guess that. ... Umm ... well ...
The HATTER takes out a pocket watch, examines it, shakes it, and listens to it.
Hatter
What day of the month is it?
Alice
The fourth, I think.
Hatter
(angrily)
That means this is two days wrong!
(to the March Hare)
I told you butter wouldn’t suit the gears!
March hare
It was the best butter.
Hatter
Yes, but some crumbs must have got in as well. You shouldn’t have put it in with the bread-knife.
March hare
(examining the watch)
It was the best butter, you know. Perhaps it just needs some tea.
He dips the watch into his tea.
Hatter
(to Alice)
Have you guessed the riddle yet?
Alice
No. What’s the answer?
Hatter
I haven’t the slightest idea.
March hare
Nor I.
Alice
I think you might do something better with the time than waste it by asking riddles that have no answers.
Hatter
You shouldn't talk about wasting Time. You'll hurt his feelings.
March hare
I dare say you never even spoke to Time!
Alice
You've got me there.
Hatter
If you kept on Time's good side, he’d do anything you like. For instance, suppose it were time for school. You’d only have to whisper a hint to Time, and round goes the clock in a twinkling! Half-past noon, time for lunch!
hare
I wish it was time for lunch.
Hatter
And you could keep it to half-past noon for as long as you liked.
Alice
Is that what's going on here?
Hatter
No, here's it's always six o'clock, whether we like it or not. We offended time, you see.
Alice
I don't see.
Hatter
It happened at the great concert given by the Queen of Hearts. My job was to sing.
(slapping the dormouse)
Sing it for her!
Dormouse
(still sleeping)
Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!
How I wonder what you’re at!
Hatter
You know the song, perhaps?
Alice
I’ve heard something like it.
Dormouse
Up above the world you fly,
Like a tea-tray in the sky.
Twinkle, twinkle, twinkle,
twinkle, twinkle, twinkle—
The HATTER and MARCH HARE slap the DORMOUSE, who stops singing.
Hatter
Well, I’d hardly finished the first verse when the Queen jumped up and shouted, 'He’s murdering the time! Off with his head!'
Alice
How dreadfully savage!
Hatter
(sadly)
And ever since that, Time won’t do a thing I ask, and the clock has been stuck at six, forever team-time. There's not even time to make new tea or wash the dishes. As things get used up, we just have to move from one end of the the table to the other.
Alice
But what happens when you come to the beginning again?
March Hare
(yawning)
Suppose we change the subject. I vote the young lady tells us a story.
Alice
I’m afraid I don’t know one.
March hare, hatter
Then the Dormouse shall!
They slap the DORMOUSE.
Dormouse
(feebly)
I wasn’t asleep. I heard every word you fellows were saying.
March hare
Tell us a story!
Alice
Yes, please do.
HATTER
And be quick about it, or you’ll be asleep again before it’s done.
Dormouse
Once upon a time there were three little sisters. Their names were Elsie, Lacie, and Tillie, and they lived at the bottom of a well.
March hare
What did they live on?
Dormouse
(thinking)
Molasses.
alice
They couldn’t have done that. They’d have been ill.
Dormouse
So they were, very ill.
alice
But why did they live at the bottom of a well?
March hare
Take some more tea.
Alice
I haven't had any yet, so I can’t take more.
Hatter
You mean you can’t take less. It’s very easy to take more than nothing.
Alice
Nobody asked your opinion.
Hatter
(triumphantly)
Who’s making personal remarks now?
Alice
(to the Dormouse)
Why did they live at the bottom of a well?
Dormouse
(thinking)
It was ... a molasses well.
Alice
There’s no such thing!
hatter, march hare
Shh!
dormouse
If you can’t be civil, you’d better finish the story for yourself.
Alice
No, please go on! I won’t interrupt again.
Dormouse
And so these three little sisters—they were learning to draw, you know.
Alice
What did they draw?
Dormouse
Molasses.
Hatter
I want a clean cup. Let’s all move to the other side of the table.
Everyone shifts around the table.
Dormouse
(yawning)
They were learning to draw, and they drew all manner of things that begin with an M.
Alice
M?
Hatter
Why not?
The DORMOUSE falls asleep, and the HATTER slaps him.
Dormouse
—that begin with an M, such as mouse-traps, and the moon, and memory, and muchness. Did you ever see such a thing as a drawing of a muchness?
Alice
Well, I ... I don’t think—
Hatter
Then you shouldn’t talk.
As the dormouse falls asleep again, ALICE storms away. The HATTER and MARCH HARE take no notice.
Alice
I’ll never go there again! It’s the stupidest tea-party I ever was at!
She notices a door in a tree.
Alice
A door, out here? That’s curious! But then, everything’s curious today. If it gets me away from here, I'll go through it.
She goes through the door.
6. garden
Anthropomorphic playing cards, SEVEN and FIVE, paint white roses red. Enter ALICE. She spies the cards from a distance.
Seven
Watch yourself, Five! Stop splashing paint on me!
five
I can't help it. The branches keep bouncing around.
SEVEn
Always laying blame on others.
Five
You’re not one to talk, Seven! I heard the Queen say only yesterday you deserved to be beheaded for bringing the cook tulip-roots instead of onions.
Seven
Well, of all the unjust things—
ALICE approaches the CARDS, and both of them bow to her.
Alice
(timidly)
Would you tell me why you are painting those roses?
Seven
Why the fact is, you see, Miss, this here ought to have been a red rose-tree, and we put a white one in by mistake; and if the Queen was to find it out, we should all have our heads cut off, you know. So we’re doing our best, before she comes to—
Five
The Queen! The Queen!
The CARDS lie flat on the stage in prostration. Enter the KNAVE (Jack) OF HEARTS (another card), the WHITE RABBIT, the QUEEN, and the KING.
KNAVE
(with lots of pomp)
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you her royal highness, the magnanimous and ever glorious Queen of Hearts!
The CARDS applaud.
Knave
(dryly)
And the king.
No one applauds.
Alice
What's the use of a procession if people have to lie down upon their faces, so that they can’t see it?
Queen
(severely, to the Knave)
Who is this?
The KNAVE smiles and bows.
Queen
Idiot! What’s your name, child?
Alice
My name is Alice, so please your Majesty.
The QUEEN points to the prostrated CARDS. Only their back sides (with the same pattern) are visible.
Queen
And who are these?
Alice
How should I know? It’s no business of mine.
Queen
(furious)
Off with her head! Off—
Alice
Nonsense!
King
(timidly)
Consider, my dear: she is only a child!
Queen
(to the Knave)
Turn them over!
The KNAVE flips the CARDS over with his foot.
Queen
Get up!
The CARDS jump to their feet and start bowing to the KING and QUEEN.
Queen
Enough of that! What have you been doing here?
seven
May it please your Majesty, we were trying—
Queen
(examining the roses)
I see. Off with their heads!
As the QUEEN and KING turn their attention elsewhere, the KNAVE draws a sword and approaches the other CARDS, who run to ALICE for protection.
ALICE blows the KNAVE over. The other CARDS run off.
Queen
Are their heads off?
Knave
Their heads are gone, if it pleases your Majesty!
Queen
Very good. Can you play croquet?
Knave
Well, I --
Queen
Not you, idiot. Her!
Alice
Yes.
Queen
Don't go anywhere. I shall find a suitable mallet for you.
Exit the QUEEN, KNAVE, and KING.
White rabbit
It’s a fine day, don't you think, Mary Ann?
Alice
I suppose it is, though I'm not Mary Ann.
White RABBIT
You'll be glad to know, Mary Ann, that even though I lacked gloves, I was able to hide my paws from the duchess and carry on a suitable meeting. You're probably wondering how she's doing.
Alice
Not really.
White RABBIT
She's doing very well, thank you. Except for one thing.
(hushed)
She’s under sentence of execution.
Alice
What for?
White rabbit
She boxed the Queen’s ears.
ALICE laughs.
Alice
Hush! The Queen will hear you! You see, she Duchess came rather late to a party, and the Queen said—
Enter the QUEEN.
Queen
Get to your places!
The KNAVE and other CARDS run on and arch onto their hands. The QUEEN, holding a flamingo as a mallet, hands ALICE another flamingo. The KING roles a HEDGEHOG on, which is to be used as a ball. The QUEEN and ALICE play as the others act enthusiastic couriers to the QUEEN. Whenever the queen hits, the HEDGEHOG and CARDS adjust in her favor (but not so with ALICE). The HEDGEHOG flees from ALICE's flamingo.
Alice
Dear me this, this is difficult.
As they continue, the game gets disorderly, and as things don't work out perfectly for the queen, she exclaims ...
Queen
(to Seven)
Off with his head!
The KNAVE chases SEVEN off. The QUEEN and ALICE continue to play. Again things go sour for the QUEEN.
Queen
(to Five)
Off with his head!
The KNAVE chases FIVE off.
Alice
(aside)
They’re so dreadfully fond of beheading people here, it's a wonder there’s anyone left! What will become of me?
As the QUEEN focusses on her next hit, ALICE starts looking for a way to escape. She sees the head of the CHESHIRE CAT drift on. The rest of the cat's body is invisible.
Cheshire cat
(relaxed)
How are you getting on?
Alice
Oh, it's you. I don’t think they play at all fairly, and they all quarrel so dreadfully, one can’t hear oneself speak—and they don’t seem to have any rules in particular; at least, if there are, nobody follows them—and you’ve no idea how confusing it is with all the things being alive!
CHESHIRE CAT
How do you like the Queen?
Alice
Not at all. She’s so extremely ...
ALICE sees that the QUEEN is listening in.
Alice
... likely to win, that it’s hardly worth while finishing the game.
The QUEEN smiles and goes back to the game.
King
Who are you talking to, young girl?
Alice
It’s a friend of mine—a Cheshire Cat. Allow me to introduce it.
King
I don’t like the look of it. However, it may kiss my hand if it likes.
ChESHIRE CAT
I wouldn't like.
King
(hiding behind Alice)
Don’t be impertinent, and don’t look at me like that!
Alice
A cat may look at a king. I read that in some book.
King
Well, it must be removed. My dear! I wish you would have this cat removed!
Queen
(not looking)
Off with his head!
King
Knave!
The KNAVE runs on.
King
The queen has ordered the beheading of this cat.
Knave
I'd love to oblige, your majesty, but for a proper beheading, one must have a body.
King
Anything with a head can be beheaded. Don't talk nonsense!
Queen
If something's not done about it soon, I'll have everyone's head cut off!
White rabbit
This cat belongs to the Duchess: you’d better ask her about it.
Queen
(to the Knave)
She’s in prison.
White rabbit
I'll speak to her at once.
The WHITE RABBIT runs off.
Cheshire cat
Time for me to go.
The CHESHIRE CAT fades away.
knave
No, come back!
King
You come back this instant!
Queen
All right, then. Off with everyone's head!
Blackout.
7. Garden
Enter the DUCHESS (a homely specimen).
duchess
Did someone call for me? My cat told me I was needed.
(seeing the queen and bowing)
Oh, dear. Your majesty.
Queen
Why is her head still on? She boxed me in the ear!
Knave
I'm sure I removed it, your majesty. She must have gotten a new head.
Duchess
Quite right.
Queen
Hmm. I suppose that would explain why she's so terribly ugly. They don't make heads like they used to.
Knave
Shall I proceed with removing everyone else's head?
Queen
All in good time. As for now, we have a game to finish!
The HEDGEHOG runs off in fear.
Hedgehog
I think I'd best be on my way.
Queen
Come back here at once! Your job is to be hit, not to think.
The QUEEN follows the HEDGEHOG, and everyone but ALICE and the DUCHESS follow.
Duchess
No one's ever really executed. We're all too clever for that. You see, I told a little, white lie. I pretended to be ugly when the truth is I'm exceptionally beautiful.
(taking Alice's arm for a stroll)
You must be Alice. I've heard such wonderful things about you. Mind if I stand uncomfortably close?
Alice
(minding quite a bit)
Not at all.
Duches
I see that the croquet game is carrying on nicely. There's a moral to be had in that. Everything has a moral, you know. And the moral is—’tis love, ’tis love, that makes the world go round!
Alice
Is that what you call whacking hedgehogs with flamingos?
Duchess
I would play myself, but I’ve had bad experiences with flamingoes. They do so love to bite me. Just like mustard. And the moral of that is—‘Birds of a feather flock together.
Alice
Only mustard isn’t a bird.
Duchess
What a clear way you have of putting things! And the moral of that is—‘Be what you would seem to be’—or if you’d like it put more simply—‘Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.'
Alice
I'm afraid I din't quite follow that one.
Duchess
I put it too simply. Allow me to explain it in more words.
Alice
Please don't trouble yourself.
Duchess
It's no trouble at all! My words are a present to you.
Alice
(aside)
I’m glad they don’t give birthday presents like that.
Duchess
What was that?
Alice
Nothing.
Duchess
Well, do say something. It's rude to think during a conversation.
Alice
I have a right to think.
Duchess
As much right as pigs have to fly. And the moral of that is --
Enter the WHITE RABBIT.
White rabbit
The trial is beginning! The trial is beginning!
Duchess
What trial?
White rabbit
Someone stole the tarts from the Queen of Hearts!
Duchess
Dear me. This is serious indeed.
White rabbit
The trial is to be held immediately at --
Enter the QUEEN.
Queen
Your house.
White rabbit
My house. I'd better tidy up.
The WHITE RABBIT runs off.
Queen
(to Alice)
You will be joining us, of course?
Blackout.
8. The White rabbit's house
The KING and QUEEN are seated in thrones as everyone else (but ALICE) sit on benches as the jury. The KNAVE of HEARTS is in chains and being guarded by SEVEN and FIVE.
March hare
I do love a good trial. Everyone help yourself to some bread and jam.
Alice
I am rather hungry, but where is the bread?
March hare
There isn't any.
White rabbit
Silence in the court!
Dormouse
I have some cake.
White rabbit
I said silence!
King
Read the accusation!
WhiTE RABBIT
(reading a scroll)
The Queen of Hearts, she made some tarts,
All on a summer day:
The Knave of Hearts, he stole those tarts,
And took them quite away!
King
Consider your verdict.
White rabbit
Not yet. There’s a great deal to come before that.
King
Call the first witness.
White rabbit
First witness!
The MAD HATTER comes forward while sipping tea.
Mad hatter
I beg pardon, your majesty, for bringing this in: but I hadn’t quite finished my tea when I was sent for.
King
You ought to have finished. When did you begin?
MaD HATTER
Fourteenth of March, I think it was.
March hare
Fifteenth.
Dormouse
Sixteenth.
King
(to the jury)
Take note of that. It's important evidence.
Mad hatter
It isn’t my tea. I just found it on the table.
King
Stolen tea!
MaD HATTER
I’ve none of my own. I’m a hatter.
Queen
A likely story. Give your evidence, and don’t be nervous, or I’ll have you executed on the spot.
Mad hatter
(nervously)
Well, I ... you see ... what I mean to say is ...
Alice
This court is ridiculous. I ought to do something to help the poor hatter. Dormouse, may I have some of that cake. ... Dormouse?
The DORMOUSE has fallen asleep. ALICE snatches the DORMOUSE's cake.
King
(to the Queen)
Perhaps we should focus on the matter at hand.
(to the Hatter)
Do you know what the queen's tarts are made out of?
Mad hatter
Mostly pepper, I think.
Dormouse
Mollasses.
Queen
Off with her head!
King
All in good time, my dear. But first we have more witnesses to get through.
Queen
Very well.
white rabbit
The next witness will come forward: Alice!
Alice
Me?
WhitE RABBIT
No, Alice. Not you, Mary Ann.
Alice
Well, unless someone else comes forward, you're going to have to deal with me.
ALICE comes forward.
King
What do you know about this business?
Alice
Nothing.
King
Nothing whatsoever?
Alice
Nothing whatsoever.
King
(to the jury)
That’s very important. Take note of that.
Queen
Move on to the verdict.
King
It is time for the jury to pronounce their verdict.
duchess
We find the Knave of hearts guilty on all charges of stealing tarts from the Queen of Hearts.
Queen
I knew he was guilty!
March hare
And now the knave will be providing tarts for everyone!
The jury cheers.
Knave
I don't have any.
Queen
Off with his head!
Alice
That's it. It's time someone put this court in order.
ALICE takes a bite out of the cake. Blackout. There's cries of alarm as ALICE grows larger.
9. Outside the white rabbit's house
Once again, ALICE has grown so large that her head and limbs poke out of the house. Aside, everyone else, having run out of the building, gathers together and looks up at ALICE.
King
Rule Forty-two. All persons more than a mile high are to leave the court.
Alice
I’m not a mile high.
Queen
Nearly two miles high.
Alice
Besides, that’s not a regular rule: you invented it just now.
King
It’s the oldest rule in the book.
Alice
Then it ought to be Number One.
Queen
Hold your tongue!
Alice
I won’t!
Queen
Off with her head!
Alice
You’re nothing but a big bully, and your soldiers are just a pack of cards! And do you know what? I've just about had it with each and every one of you and your nonsense. I've had enough nonsense for a lifetime! Give me facts and figures. As soon as I find a way out of this place, I'm going to finish my boring, old history lesson and enjoy every moment of it.
queen
If I were you, I'd choose my words wisely.
Alice
Well, you're not me, so why should I listen to a word you say?
Queen
Because you're shrinking.
Alice
Oh dear.
ALICE shrinks into the house.
10. forest
ALICE has shrunken back to normal size.
Queen
Get her!
The rest of the cast chases ALICE, each shouting after her. Enter Alice's SISTER.
Sister
Alice! Alice! Alice! Alice!
The SISTER pulls ALICE out of the dream, and the WONDERLAND CHARACTERS fade away.
Sister
Wake up, dear. Why, what a long sleep you've had.
Alice
Oh, I’ve had such a curious dream! I was in a Wonderland, and all the animals could speak, and the soldiers were cards, and the mallets were flamingos --
Sister
Curious indeed. But it's getting late, and your tea is getting cold. Run along.
ALICE runs off.
Sister
Funny. I vaguely remember when I had a Wonderland, of happy summer days long past. Dear Alice, before long you and I will be grown women, but I hope, through all our riper years, we'll keep that simple and loving heart of childhood.
Blackout.