It's 1929, early in the morning in a big city. The streets are empty. Enter EDWARD, a businessman.

SHOULD I BE A PRODUCTIVE MEMBER OF SOCIETY

OR SHOULD I BE ... A BUM?

 

I KNOW I SHOULD NOT BE A JERK.

I KNOW I SHOULD GO TO WORK.

 

BUT I JUST CAN'T ADULT TODAY.

THERE MUST BE ANOTHER WAY.

 

WHEN MUSIC'S INVADING

THE VEINS AND THE BRAIN,

HOW COULD ANYBODY SIT STILL?

 

I KNOW THERE'S A SYMPHONY

WAITING FOR ME,

AND I HAVE A PART TO FULFILL.

HELLO, EDWARD.

Ella Vaughan, the greatest jazz singer of all time!

I ALREADY KNOW I'M THE GREATEST JAZZ SINGER OF ALL TIME.

Of course you know. I'm just saying --

EDWARD, YOU'RE DAYDREAMING.

Ella Vaughan would never talk to me in real life.

GOOD POINT.

I just want to make great music like you.

I'M ACTUALLY NOT ME.

Then who are you?

YOUR CONSCIENCE, TELLING YOU TO GO TO WORK.

I know I need to go to work, but I'm supposed to do something first, and I'm gonna stand here until I remember what it is.

TYPICAL.

In the mean time, can't I daydream for a few minutes?

HE SAID TO HIMSELF YEAR AFTER YEAR.

Ella Vaughan is narrating my life?

UNTIL THE WINDS OF DESTINY

BLEW A FLIER HIS WAY.

Auditions for the Big Brass Billionaire Band. That's the greatest band in the world.

OF COURSE IT IS. IT'S MY BAND.

This Friday at five. This could be my lucky break. I could be playing next to Ella Vaughan.

YOU THINK YOU'VE GOT WHAT IT TAKES?

I'll show you. I'll show everybody.

GOOD LUCK. YOU'LL NEED IT.

IN EVERY TOWN IS A FELLOW OR TWO

WHO DOESN'T KNOW WHERE HE'S GOING.

WITH HIS HEAD LEANING BACK,

HE THINKS, "WHAT DO I LACK?"

AS HE'S PUSHED RIGHT ALONG

WITH THE FLOWING.

 

HE THINKS "MAYBE TOMORROW

I'LL FIGURE IT OUT

WHEN LIFE'S NOT SO DREARY AND HOT."

BUT WHEN WILL HE LEARN

THAT THE WORLD'S GONNA TURN,

WHETHER HE'S READY OR NOT?

'CAUSE IT'S A BIG, BIG CITY.

EVERYBODY'S BUSY

DOING THEM THEM THINGS THEY DO.

NOBODY CAN WAIT

OR THEY'RE GONNA BE LATE,

AND ALL FOR WHAT,

I WISH I KNEW.

 

MOVING TO HERE,

GOING TO THERE,

WORRY AFTER WORRY,

CARE AFTER CARE.

HUSTLING ALONG,

THE DAYS ARE WEARY AND LONG.

ALL I CAN SEE IS A BIG NIGHTMARE.

 

IF YOU'RE GONNA

WORK YOUR LIFE AWAY,

THE TREASURE THAT YOU'RE SEEKIN'

WILL SLIP RIGHT AWAY.

LISTEN TO ME,

YOU GOTTA SLOW DOWN,

LOOSEN THE TIE,

OR GET OUT OF TOWN.

HOW THE TOWERS KEEP GETTIN' TALLER

WHILE THE WORLD KEEPS GETTIN' SMALLER,

BUT WHAT ABOUT US,

THE PEOPLE INSIDE?

WHERE CAN WE HIDE?

WE'RE FORCED TO ABIDE.

WE DO AS WE'RE TOLD.

WE CARRY OUR LOAD.

WE STAY IN THE LINES,

STAY ON THE ROAD.

BUT WHERE WOULD WE GO

IF THE TOWERS WEREN'T THERE?

WHAT WOULD WE DO?

WHAT WOULD WE CARE?

PEOPLE, PEOPLE,

BUSY PEOPLE,

WHERE ARE WE GOING?

No idea.

Wow, that was inspiring!

Who you talkin' to?

Uh ... no one.

I'll see you on Friday.

So what's your story?

Story?

How'd you end up down here?

Down where?

Look, kid, if there's one thing I can't stand, it's denial. Do you have any idea how you look right now?

No.

Like me.

That bad?

Worse.

Wow.

So what's your story?

I don't have one.

Everyone's got a story.

I have a beginning.

If you're down here, you've got an ending, a tragedy. What was it?

I'm telling you, I don't have one.

Then what's your problem?

What's your problem?

I have a problem with people who masquerade as bums when they haven't paid their dues.

I was just trying to retrieve a paper when I got caught up in the singing and dancing.

Yeah, but with us? Who does that?

It was a very captivating song. Besides, I may not have fully realized you were ...

Forgotten men ... hobos ... the dregs of society?

Homeless. Not that it's any of my business.

I can't stand buttery words. Say what you're thinking. We're bums. Ain't that right, Frannie?

Better be careful with whom you associate. People might assume you're one of them.

For your information, I made a very conscious decision this morning to not be a --

So what's your beginning?

I'm engaged.

That explains everything. Only a woman could drive a man to the gutter. I feel your pain.

It's not like that. I'm in love with her. I really am. It's just ... I don't even know who you are.

Filthy Fran, queen of the bums, the all-knowing spirit of the streets.

Chester, former millionaire turned ascetic philosopher.

Mubble.

And that's Mubble.

If you're the all-knowing spirit of the streets, you must already know about my problems.

You're an open book. You were fired.

No.

Bankrupt.

No.

Pin worms?

If you must know, I'm on the brink of a perfectly mediocre existence.

Oh.

It's like this.

 

Rhubarbara and I --

Hold on, did you say --

Her parents named her after the rhubarb plant, which makes sense, because she's stiff, unbendable, and bitter.

I can tell it was love at first sight.

I despised her when we were young, her and her pretty, little pigtails, the goody two-shoes. Making fun of her was my favorite pastime.

Boys can be so mean.

Then she blossomed, and suddenly I wasn't sure if I loved making fun of her or if I just loved ... her. The next thing I knew, we were dating through college, were she studied the most useless of all subjects: French.

Of course there was no money in it, so she took this dead-end job as a counselor for naughty boys at the local school.

Boys. They just need a little fixing, that's all. Bénis leurs petits coeurs.

Meanwhile I wanted to become a jazz musician, only she had different plans.

No, no, Edward, you'll have to be the breadwinner. Therefore I've chosen a practical major for you: accounting.

So I did what she said, because she's attractive, and frankly she scares me.

Don't look so down. We'll have plenty of time to pursue our dreams when we're older. In the meantime, everyone needs a day job.

And now I've been in the workforce for years, every day, nine to five. Actually it's eight to five with only a thirty-minute lunch break, and they frequently ask me to come in on Saturdays. And the worst part is --

They're going to give you a promotion! With money like this, we'll buy a great, big house and fill it with babies. Oh, Edward, we'll live our dream together.

'CAUSE WE'RE IN LOVE,

THE ANGELS ARE SINGING,

AND LIFE IS A PORCELAIN DOLL,

OR MAYBE AN ELEGANT BALL

WITH LOTS OF LACE

AND WEDDING BELLS RINGING,

WHERE NOTHING IS LESS THAN IDEAL.

YES IT'S ALMOST TOO GOOD TO BE REAL.

 

WON'T YOU BEHOLD WHAT I SEE?

WON'T YOU SETTLE DOWN

AND BUILD A HOME WITH ME?

LIFE IS FAR TO SHORT

TO THROW A DREAM AWAY --

Yeah, yeah, they get the point.

She's coercing me into a positively unmanly lifestyle. And now that they're paying me more, they'll expect longer hours and want me to be a team player and attend horrible meetings. You see my dilemma?

Wow, you are a bum.

What's that supposed to mean?

If you can't see what's right in front of your face, it doesn't matter what we say.

Here. You need help.

I can't take your money.

Just head over to the local speakeasy and buy yourself some booze. That's what we were gonna do.

Where are you going?

Your story's bringing back painful memories. You should be grateful for what you've got, or you might end up like us.

Hold on. Rhubarbara's not the only one with a dream. Listen, do you hear that?

I'm guessing you're going to say something ... mystical.

You bet I am.

 

FEEL THE RUSHING OF THE BREEZE.

SEE IT DANCING THROUGH THE TREES.

What trees?

THERE IS MAGIC ALL AROUND

WHEN YOU'LL STOP AND HEAR THE SOUND.

 

SHIMMERING CYMBALS AND HORNS,

ROLLING DRUMS LIKE A THUNDEROUS STORM.

THERE'S A SONG TO BE PLAYED

RISING FROM MY BREAST.

TILL IT FILLS UP A STAGE,

I CAN NEVER REST.

 

BUT PASSIONS CAN NEVER COME FIRST.

TRAPPED IN MY HEART,

OH IT JUST MIGHT BURST.

LIFE IS FAR TOO SHORT

TO THROW A DREAM AWAY ...

And ...?

That's it.

You didn't actually say anything.

As you said, it's mystical.

Meaning you have no idea what you want.

I know exactly what I want. On Friday at five, I'm going to audition for the Big Brass Billionaire Band, and the rest will be history.

I've seen many a man lose his way in pursuit of an unreachable star.

You're not exactly the pinnacle of achievement.

The difference between you and us is we know exactly who and what we are, and we're happy with it.

No one's happy.

If that's what you think, perhaps you should come here more often. We could teach you a thing or two.

I'll keep that in mind.

Till next time, then. It's been a pleasure, Mr ... You know, I never did catch your name.

Nor will you.

Oh, hi, Edward!

We'll call you Smelly Ed, a good bum name.

Edward, who was that woman you were talking to?

No one.

Edward ...

The queen of the bums.

Why were you talking to the queen of the bums?

I ... don't know.

We're just going to pretend that didn't happen. Are you ready?

Ready?

To get our marriage license! Honestly, sometimes I wonder about you.

I knew that.

Come on, I don't want to make you late for work.

Remind me. When, again, are we tying the knot?

You're joking, right?

I'm just double checking.

Friday at five.

Right, right. Is there any way --

Oh not again.

You automatically assume I don't have a good reason.

And?

It just so happens that there's a very important audition at the same time.

Audition?

For a band.

Edward, you don't play.

I've got a few days to learn. Please, Rhubarbara, this is important to me.

More important than your wedding?

Of course not. I'm just wondering if we could do it next week.

If I didn't know better, I'd think you were stalling.

There's no one I'd rather be with than you. This is about me.

You can say that again.

I have a calling.

Your calling is in the office. We've been over this.

Please, Rhubarbara, try to understand.

You've got to be the most unromantic man on the planet.

And you still want to marry me?

We've had such a great beginning, and we could have such a beautiful ending. It's just this middle part we have to work out.

What if I never change?

I've taken on projects much more hopeless than you.

That wasn't very romantic either, was it? All right, Edward, we'll get the license and tie the knot next week.

I'm sorry.

No, I'm sorry.

I should get going. Mr. Engerman will be expecting punctuality from a senior-level accountant.

You haven't forgotten about tonight, have you?

We're ... moving furniture.

Dinner at your parents' house. Six o'clock.

Right.

Edward ...

Yes?

You smell bad. Here.

Now don't keep Mister Engerman waiting ... like you've kept me waiting. Goodbye kiss?

Never mind.

Rhubarbara ...

Do we have to drag this out?

DO YOU REMEMBER THOSE MAGICAL NIGHTS,

WHEN MOONLIGHT WOULD SHINE IN YOUR ROOM?

 

I'D RAP ON YOUR WINDOW AND LEAD YOU AWAY.

ROMANCE WAS STILL IN ITS BLOOM.

 

RUNNING TOGETHER, OUR HANDS INTERTWINED,

WE'D TUMBLE AND ROLL DOWN THE HILL.

 

HOUR AFTER HOUR, WHO CARES ABOUT TIME?

SHARING YOUR COAT THROUGH THE CHILL.

THE WORLD WAS ASLEEP,

BUT WE WERE AWAKE,

THERE, JUST THE TWO OF US,

WATCHING THE SKIES.

 

SAFE, WE WOULD KEEP,

WHAT NO ONE COULD TAKE.

OUR DREAMS BEFORE OUR EYES.

CAN YOU IMAGINE MY POP FINDING OUT?

WHAT WOULD WE POSSIBLY SAY?

BRING ON THE DANGER AND BRING ON THE FUN.

IT'S JUST NOT THE SAME IN THE DAY.

THE WORLD WAS ASLEEP,

BUT WE WERE AWAKE,

THERE, JUST THE TWO OF US,

WATCHING THE SKIES.

 

SAFE, WE WOULD KEEP,

WHAT NO ONE COULD TAKE.

OUR DREAMS BEFORE OUR EYES.

OH HOW I'M LONGING TO RELIVE THOSE NIGHTS.

BABY, I'M MISSING THEM TOO.

Really?

Yeah.

Then how about tonight?

We already have plans.

I mean late tonight. I'll rap on your window.

I'm an adult now. I can use the door.

The window's more fun.

You're joking, right?

Why would I be joking?

I'm not going to roll down a hill in one of my dresses. It's indecent.

It never bothered you before.

I didn't know any better. The park has a curfew. We could get in trouble.

Which makes it all the more fun.

Sometimes I wish you were joking. We've spent enough time dreaming about our lives. How about we live them?

What's not living about rolling down a hill in the middle of the night?

It's time to grow up.

I JUST CAN'T ADULT TODAY.

THERE MUST BE ANOTHER WAY.

 

WHEN MUSIC'S INVADING

THE VEINS AND THE BRAIN,

HOW COULD ANYBODY SIT STILL?

 

I KNOW THERE'S A SYMPHONY

WAITING FOR ME,

AND I HAVE A PART TO FULFILL.

Weasel! Mildred!

Yes, my lady?

Any sign of Edward?

I saw him on my way to work today, and he was with some ... bums.

Bums?

Yes, my lady.

The kind you sit on?

No, Mildred!

You mean the kind that lie around doing nothing and expect you to pay them for it?

Yes, my lady.

Edward's not a bum ... not my Edward. More likely, he was shopping around for a new job with unsavory characters.

From my observations, the guy has no concept of company loyalty.

I will not be beaten, no matter how much they offer.

But ma'am --

If, as you say, Edward is looking into the bum industry, then we'll just have to show him how much more fun it is to be a businessman. Am I right?

You are so right, ma'am.

How could he just up and betray me after everything I've done for him? I go out of my way to make him feel appreciated. I give him a raise and provide him with his own office. And now he doesn't even have the decency to call in and lie about being sick. It hurts.

I'm sorry, my lady.

Will you shut up with this my lady business?

Sorry ... ma'am.

Edward's my best employee. I don't know what I'd do without him.

You'd have me, sir.

What's going through his head? Always quiet and staring out the window as if ... as if I'm failing to meet his needs. Tell me the truth. Am I a ... loving boss?

Oh, yes, ma'am, very loving.

I'm not too ... scary?

You're just the right amount of scary.

Then how am I failing him?

Perhaps it's Edward who's failing you, ma'am.

Are you all right, ma'am?

No. The corporate office called, and they need the financial report by end-of-day Friday. If we can't prove we're gonna raise the bottom line in twenty-thirty, Engerman Enterprises is history.

You mean --

Finished, kaput, obliterated. We'll have no choice but to sleep in gutters, holding out tin cans and begging for gruel.

But, ma'am, stocks are up. Why not just write the report?

You think I know how to write a report? Do you want to write a report?

No, ma'am.

That's what Edward's for. And until he shows up, I'm going to pace around my office, destroying things.

Can I destroy those papers?

Be my guest.

Holler if he comes in, will you?

Mrs. Engerman! Mrs. Engerman, I found him!

Good work, Weasel. You are hereby the employee of the day.

Thank you, ma'am!

Hello, Edward.

Hello, Mrs. Engerman.

It appears you're rather late for work.

I had a lot on my mind and ... it won't happen again.

You ... smell like garbage.

I can't imagine why.

Edward.

Yes?

Do you know what I'm going to do to you?

No, ma'am.

Do you have any idea what I'm going to do to you?

No, Mrs. Engerman.

I'm going to do this!

 

You can forget about the new office.

Does that mean I can have it?

Shut up.

I need the financial report as soon as possible.

The financial report? That could take weeks to put together.

Then it's going to be a lot of late nights for you.

I'm sorry, ma'am, but I have an important meeting this evening.

More important than your job?

If I'm not there, Rhubarbara will kill me.

I've seen his fiancée, ma'am. I don't think he's joking.

I guess you're of no use to us dead. But you better come in early tomorrow. You'll be presenting to the board on Friday at five.

Please don't murder me, ma'am, but I also have a conflict at that time.

Cancel it.

It's a once in a lifetime opportunity.

If you do not present the financial report on Friday at five, I'll ...

Fire me?

You won't get off the hook that easy. I'll do what your fiancée does, only double.

You'll double kill him?

I'll triple kill him ... with love.

Understood?

Yes, ma'am.

After you finish the report, Mr. Engerman wants you to go over these 1040s.

And when you're finished with those, have a look at these 1099s.

Isn't that your job?

I'm just practicing my managerial skills. I'm going to need them soon.

That's the spirit, Weasel. Never do something you can make others do for you.

This job stinks.

I think it's just you.

Edward's tapping his feet again!

So what?

How are we supposed to focus on our drab routines while you're getting all musical?

What if I happen to hear the music in the drab routines?

Then keep it to yourself.

COOPED IN AN OFFICE,

TYPING AWAY,

SELLING YOUR LIFE

FOR DOLLARS A DAY.

DREAMING SOMEDAY

OF ROLLING IN DOUGH,

AFRAID OF THE STREET LIFE

WITH NOWHERE TO GO.

 

BUT WHERE IS THE SENSE IN

WEARING A SUIT?

THERE MUST BE A FASTER

WAY TO THE LOOT.

HAVEN'T YOU EVER THOUGHT

WHO NEEDS A BOSS ...

WHEN I COULD BE MY OWN?

What?

Nothing.

FEEL THAT WAIST LINE

BEGIN TO EXPAND

AS YOU GROVEL AND BEND

TO HIS EVERY DEMAND.

FEEL THAT HAIRLINE

BEGIN TO RECEDE,

AS YOU LOSE ALL YOUR DREAMS

JUST TO PAY FOR HIS GREED.

 

YOU'RE LOSING YOUR MIND

AND LOSING YOUR DRIVE.

YOUR ONLY ROUTINE

IS STAYING ALIVE.

HAVEN'T YOU EVER THOUGHT ...

WHO NEEDS A BOSS

WHEN I COULD BE MY OWN?

HOUR AFTER HOUR,

THE SUN'S GOING DOWN ...

AND WE'RE TRAPPED IN A TOWER

IN THE MIDDLE OF TOWN ...

WHILE ALL THE LITTLE CHILDREN ARE

RUNNING FREE,

WITHOUT ALL THE DARN RESPONSIBILITY.

REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE

ONLY A SQUIRT,

BEFORE YOU HAD TO WORK

IN A BUTTON-UP SHIRT.

YOU WANTED FREEDOM ...

A CHANCE TO REBEL ...

NOT A MISERABLE JOB ...

IN AN OFFICE PRISON CELL!

BUT WHAT'S THERE TO WORRY?

IT'S ONLY YOUR LIFE ...

AND IT BELONGS TO YOUR BANK ...

YOUR MORTGAGE AND WIFE.

SO WHAT IF YOU NEVER

ACCOMPLISH YOUR DREAMS?

FORGET ALL THE ENDS

AND LIVE FOR THE MEANS.

'CAUSE BEFORE YOU KNOW IT,

YOU'RE COVERED IN FLAB ...

A RAT IN THE MAZE ...

OF A CORPORATE LAB.

YOU'RE ON YOUR WAY

IF YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY BECOME ...

A BORING, SERIOUS BUSINESSMAN!

BORING, SERIOUS BUSINESSMAN!

BORING, SERIOUS BUSINESSMAN!

BORING, SERIOUS BUSINESSMAN!

BORING, SERIOUS BUSINESSMAN,

BORING, SERIOUS BUSINESSMAN,

BORING, SERIOUS BUSINESSMAN!

 

WHERE IS THE SENSE IN

THERE MUST BE A FASTER

WAY TO THE LOOT.

YOU'RE LOSIN' YOUR MIND

AND LOSIN' YOUR DRIVE.

YOUR ONLY ROUTINE

IS STAYIN' ALIVE.

HAVEN'T YOU EVER THOUGHT

WHO NEEDS A BOSS

WHEN I COULD BE MY OWN?

Do I hear words of treachery?

We were just having a ... group brainstorm.

Self-employment is a metaphor for teamwork.

You know, synergy.

That makes sense. Speaking of which, Edward, would you mind delivering this letter to the mail room?

Aren't the menial chores for Mildred's pay grade? I would think a senior accountant would be entitled to --

Edward's going to do it because I'm the boss, and I say so ... which is a metaphor for love.

Yes, ma'am.

Any insights on Edward?

He seems ... confused.

Judging from his musical outbursts, I think he has delusions of becoming a musician or something and breaking free from the corporate world altogether.

Impossible. No one can do that.

My thoughts exactly, ma'am.

Though I can't blame him. I've always wanted to be a drummer.

Sorry. Anything else?

I've been watching him for a while now, and there's been times when his demeanor has been ... shall we say ... less than professional? Just last week, his hair was particularly unkempt.

It was crazy hair day, you idiot. Unlike some, Edward appreciates my attempts to bring smiles to the office. At least he used to.

I'm afraid you've already lost him, ma'am.

What you deserve is an employee who's fully committed.

How little you understand, Weasel. My employees are my children. I love Edward.

Do you love me, sir?

Love cannot be dished out. It must be earned.

What must I do to win your love?

IF WHAT YOU SEEK IS LOVE,

YOU'LL HAVE TO PUSH AND SHOVE

ON THE PATHWAY OF

YOUR CORPORATE JOURNEY.

 

SHOW ME WHAT YOU'RE WORTH

WHERE A MONETARY DEARTH

MEANS A TERMINATION.

NOTHING I CAN TEACH.

YOU'RE AN ASSET OR A LEACH.

ARE YOU GONNA RAISE

THE BOTTOM LINE?

 

DON'T MAKE ME WAIT.

YOU'RE EARLY OR YOU'RE LATE.

THERE IS NO DEBATE.

IT'S NINE TO FIVE ...

EIGHT TO FIVE ...

FIVE TO FIVE IF I DECIDE.

 

THE LONGER THE DAYS,

THE SOONER THE RAISE.

YOU'LL LIVE FOR MY PRAISE ...

WHILE MARRIED TO THE WORK YOU DO,

EVERY DAY A RENDEZVOUS.

ALL BY YOURSELF,

NO EARNING POTENTIAL.

YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS

ARE INCONSEQUENTIAL.

IF YOU DESIRE

PRESTIGIOUS POSITIONS,

LOVE ISN'T FREE,

IT COMES WITH CONDITIONS.

WE'LL ELIMINATE

EVERY INDIVIDUAL TRAIT ...

AS YOUR SOUL ASSIMILATES

TO MY CHAINS AND COGS.

MAKE AN OFFERING

AS YOU SERVE YOUR HUMBLE KING,

WITH DEVOTION TO THE CORP'RATE GODS.

ALL I DESIRE

IS TO SERVE MY SIRE.

SHUT UP, YOU LI'R.

YOU LOOK RIGHT PAST ME.

SHOW ME HOW I CAN

FIND A RANK WITHIN YOUR PLAN

AS YOUR UNDISPUTED MAN.

YOU'RE A SHAMELESS KISS UP.

ALL THAT I HAVE DONE

IS SO YOU'LL LOVE ME LIKE A SON.

BUT YOU'RE JUST NOT WORKING

SMART ENOUGH.

I WON'T MAKE YOU WAIT.

I'LL BE EARLY, NOTE LATE.

THERE IS NO DEBATE.

IT'S NINE TO FIVE.

EIGHT TO FIVE.

FIVE TO FIVE IF YOU DECIDE.

THE LONGER THE DAYS.

DON'T COUNT ON A RAISE.

I LIVE FOR YOUR PRAISE.

WHILE MARRIED TO THE WORK YOU DO,

EVERYDAY A RENDEZVOUS.

 

ALL BY [MY/YOUR]SELF,

NO EARNING POTENTIAL.

[MY/YOUR] HOPES AND DREAMS

 

IF [I/YOU] DESIRE

PRETIGIOUS POSITIONS,

LOVE ISN'T FREE,

IT COMES WITH CONDITIONS.

 

WE'LL ELIMINATE

EVERY INDIVIDUAL TRAIT

AS [MY/YOUR] SOUL ASSIMILATES

TO [YOUR/MY] CHAINS AND COGS.

[I'LL] MAKE AND OFFERING

AS [I/YOU] SERVE [MY/YOUR] HUMBLE KING,

WITH DEVOTION TO THE CORP'RATE GODS.

Now shut up and follow my orders. We need that report by Friday. If there's any chance that Edward's not going to deliver, you know what that means for the rest of us.

We're going to have to learn to do actual work?

God forbid.

Why not threaten him?

You heard me threaten him. Some good that did. The harder we push, the more likely we are to lose him. Which is why you, Weasel, are gonna change his mind.

Ma'am?

Find out who these competitors are and figure out what we gotta do to beat them.

You want me to spy on him?

Edward is your brother. I want you to look after the guy. Be my eyes, ears, and most importantly, heart. If he's gotten mixed up with the wrong crowd, then show him who his true friends are. Do whatever it takes to bring him back to the fold. Just don't go overtime.

With all due respect, ma'am, I don't think you can compete with people who don't care about money.

For the last time, you idiot, this isn't about money, it's about love! Engerman Enterprises cares about its employees. If we have to bring in a trash can and serve motor oil instead of coffee, then so be it.

Bums drink motor oil?

Get out of here. Mildred, bring me something else to destroy.

But supposing I can't persuade Edward to listen to reason --

Then I'll fire you both before they fire me. Beat it.

IT’S FIVE O’CLOCK,

THE CAPTIVES ARE FREED,

AND EVERYBODY’S RUNNING FOR HOME.

BUT I’VE GOT NOWHERE

IN THIS CRAZY STAMPEDE,

SO I GUESS I’M JUST GONNA ROAM.

 

I’M NOT MUCH TO LOOK AT,

BUT I AM WHAT I AM,

NO LYING APPEARANCE,

NO PLAYING PRETEND.

 

AIN’T GOT NO HOT DINNER

TO TAKE AWAY MY PAIN,

NO MINDLESS ENTERTAINMENT

TO EASE MY WEARY BRAIN.

 

AIN’T GOT NO SOFT PILLOW

TO MAKE MY BODY NUMB,

THAT TOMOR’ WILL NEVER COME.

BUT I FOUND ME A HALF-EATEN BURGER

WITH EXTRA MAYONNAISE.

STUMBLED ON A STYLISH SUITCOAT

WITH HARDLY AN OIL STAIN.

 

AND WHEN YOU’RE SKYWARD GAZING,

EVERY DAY’S AMAZING.

’CAUSE WHEN YOU’RE AT THE BOTTOM

WITH YOUR BOTTLE OF BOOZE,

AT LEAST YOU KNOW THERE’S NOTHING TO LOSE.

YES THE VIEW IS FANTASTIC

WHEN YOU’RE LYIN’ DOWN HERE.

NO DANGER OF FALLING

AND NOTHING TO FEAR.

 

THE RACE FOR TOMORROW

CAN NEVER BE WON.

YOU’LL WAKE UP AND FIND OUT

IT’S NEVER BEGUN.

 

SO WHY WOULD I FIGHT FOR

THE LATE AND THE GREAT

WHEN MY TREASURE’S YOUR GARBAGE

AT NO PRICE AND NO WAIT?

’CAUSE I FOUND ME A HALF-EATEN BURGER

WITH EXTRA MAYONNAISE.

STUMBLED ON A STYLISH SUITCOAT

WITH HARDLY AN OIL STAIN.

 

AND WHEN YOU’RE SKYWARD GAZING,

EVERY DAY’S AMAZING.

’CAUSE WHEN YOU’RE AT THE BOTTOM

WITH YOUR BOTTLE OF BOOZE,

AT LEAST YOU KNOW THERE’S NOTHING TO LOSE.

AT LEAST YOU KNOW THERE’S NOTHING TO LOSE.

 

IT’S FIVE O’CLOCK,

THE CAPTIVES ARE FREED,

BUT I’VE GOT NOWHERE

IN THIS CRAZY STAMPEDE,

SO I GUESS I’M JUST GONNA ROAM.

 

I’M FEELING GRAND.

I FEEL LIKE DANCING

TO A SWINGING BAND.

THE FACT THAT WE HAVEN’T

GOT NO MONEY'S

KIND OF FUNNY.

IT’S ONLY ON AND UPWARD FROM HERE!

I’M FEELING GRAND.

I FEEL LIKE DANCING

TO A SWINGING BAND.

THE FACT THAT WE HAVEN’T

GOT NO MONEY'S

KIND OF FUNNY.

IT’S ONLY ON AND UPWARD FROM HERE!

I’M FEELING GRAND.

I FEEL LIKE DANCING

TO A SWINGING BAND.

THE FACT THAT WE HAVEN’T

GOT NO MONEY'S

KIND OF FUNNY.

IT’S ONLY ON AND UPWARD FROM HERE!

Why, again, are you postponing the wedding?

Edward has a ... professional conflict. But it's all right. It's not like there was going to be flowers or swans. Next week is as good as any for signing the papers.

But why not the flowers and swans? It only happens once ... hopefully.

It just feels a little presumptuous to ask people to celebrate a girl marrying a boys she's known for seventeen years. Instead of congratulations, they might shout, "It's about time."

You can say that again!

Dirk!

You see?

What time should we expect Edward?

I told him six, but, as you know, his mind is often elsewhere.

Do you like Brussels sprouts?

I adore Brussels sprouts.

With mustard?

Of course.

Don't tell Dirk, but I bought the expensive brand of mustard, just for tonight. He always accuses me of wasting his hard-earned money, but he doesn't understand --

He doesn't understand that it's your hard-earned money too. And what good is all that work if you can't get some fancy mustard out of it?

I'm glad you understand.

When Edward and I get married ... if it ever happens ... I plan on only buying the expensive mustard, because life is too short to settle for less than the best.

I've done the math, and a good husband can pay for the difference between expensive mustard and cheap mustard after only one hour of work per month. Of course, there's more to a quality life than mustard. You'll be needing cheese and sausage, chutney and sauerkraut. But even when you add up all the luxuries, they only require a few hours per week of husband labor. What it really comes down to is priorities. I for one am more than willing to sacrifice my husband's time for the finer things in life.

Listen to this, Pansy. "Stock prices have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." Putting our savings into those stocks was the best choice we ever made.

That's nice, dear.

Where's Edward?

I reminded him this morning.

You forget that he has the memory of a goldfish. I for one am not going to let dinner get cold in the vague hope that Edward will decide to keep a commitment for once.

Perhaps it's for the best. This way we can get to know Rhubarbara better.

As if we didn't know her well enough. Seventeen years ...

We've only been officially dating for six.

Why on earth aren't you married?

Please, Dirk, these are modern times. Relationships are more complicated than they used to be.

What's complicated? You get a boy, you get a girl, you got a baby.

Believe me, I'm ready to move on as soon as Edward is.

If he can't even keep a dinner commitment --

He's probably just taking some extra time to look nice.

I thought someone was following me, so I hid in a garbage can.

Haven't heard that one before.

Someone was following you?

Every time I looked back, there was this guy with a mustache.

How terrifying.

It wasn't a bum, was it?

He looked like a businessman.

Can we just say grace? Then you two can talk all you want about bums and businessmen.

I'll say it.

Dear lord, please bless this food that it will make the men mighty and the women zippy. And please transform the heart of Edward that he may stop doing obscene things like climbing into garbage cans. We pray that all may go well with his and Rhubarbara's imminent wedding ... even if it requires divine intervention. Amen.

Amen.

So, Edward, on the subject of marriage --

I'll get it.

Hello.

You.

I'm here on behalf of the Federal Bureau of Investigation.

What do you want?

To investigate. Obviously.

Investigate what?

That's classified. Just pretend I'm not here.

I'd like to see your badge.

I'm afraid I'm under cover at the moment.

And?

I don't carry a badge when I'm under cover.

Didn't you just blow your cover when you told us you were with the FBI?

Maybe. Or maybe I'm not actually with the FBI.

I don't care who you're with. Get out of my house.

It's all right, pop. It's just my coworker, Weasel.

I'm sorry, Edward. Mrs. Engerman said I had to keep an eye on you, and I didn't know what else to do. She said she'd fire me unless ...

Unless what?

Look, you just can't become a bum, all right?

A bum?

What's wrong with you people?

Engerman Enterprises needs you. You're a highly valuable asset.

Weasel, this really isn't a good time.

I think we're all entitled to know if Edward is planning to become a bum.

I'm not planning to become a bum!

Perhaps it's better if I leave.

Yes, it is.

Any friend of Edward's is a friend of ours. Why don't you join us for dinner?

What are you having?

Brussels sprouts.

Hot dog!

You were saying about Edward ...

I'm not one to spread rumors, but today in the office, Edward sang a very provocative song about quitting one's job.

Edward, is this true? You're quitting?

It was just a song, and Weasel sang it too.

This is a serious matter. Without a job, how will you support your future family?

I was merely questioning the common-held belief that the boss-employee relationship is the only path to a fulfilling life. I have every intention of supporting a family.

I've worked as an employee for over forty years. What are you saying about me?

I'm not saying anything about you, pop.

You owe your entire upbringing to your father's countless hours of hard work.

You're not listening to me.

What Edward's trying to say, Mrs. Pibbles, is that without any ill feelings toward his family members or coworkers, and completely for his own reasons, he wants to be a bum.

Yes, thank you. I mean no. Where are you getting this? I have no intention of becoming a bum.

Sounds funny coming from someone who hides in trash cans.

That was entirely on behalf of Weasel.

Can't you see he's worried about you? We all are.

I'm only saying this as a friend: Edward smelled really bad this morning.

That's because he was with the queen of the bums.

A coincidence. And I don't think she was the queen of the bums.

And a few weeks ago, his hair was particularly unkempt.

Will you shut up? I don't appreciate you all meddling with my life. But if you must know, I'm gonna become a jazz musician.

Bum.

And I happen to have been inspired by some of the transient folks around town, who are surprisingly gifted at improvisational swing. That's all. So can we change the subject?

How about the wedding? You know it's never too early to pick out your colors.

That won't be necessary, Mrs. Pibbles. There won't be a ceremony next week.

Wow.

I did not see that coming.

Would you please give Rhubarbara and I a moment alone?

Come on, Pansy. We can listen through the vent.

Don't screw this up, Edward. You're not gonna find another girl like this.

But if you do end up breaking up, at least wait until after dessert. We're having English trifle.

Ahem.

Oh. Before I go, I just want to say one thing.

Get on with it.

Engerman Enterprises loves you.

Finally. Rhubarbara, what's this about?

My feelings for you haven't changed, but it's not about feelings. It's about reality, and you don't see it.

Don't see what?

I don't want to crush your dreams, but dreaming doesn't put bread on the table.

I'm not going to quit my job.

That's not the impression I got from your coworker.

I'll find a way to balance it all. I promise.

And if something has to give, which will it be? Your job, your wife, or a crazy dream?

Please, Rhubarbara, I've never wanted anything more than I want this.

And that's the problem. I think you care more about your fantasy than you do about me.

Why would you say that?

Putting off a wedding may have something to do with it.

I'm sorry about that. I'll make it up to you. But is there any chance you could see it from my perspective?

I'll answer your question when you answer mine. What's gonna give?

You're not being fair.

So it is more important. You would stake everything on your whim of becoming a musician.

When the time comes to make a full transition, income may be a little sparse at first.

And I suppose you're going to ask me to believe in you.

Yes.

A hobby's one thing, but to stake your future, and my future, and our children's future on an impossibility ... I just, can't.

I know I have no musical training, but I'll learn. Won't you at least give me a chance?

Haven't I been doing that for the last six years? It's not working, Edward.

Maybe we've both been dragging out feet, and it's time for change. Imagine breaking free from predictable structures, living a life that's improvisational, inspirational, uncontainable.

Unsustainable. How are we possibly going to afford a mortgage?

We won't need a mortgage. We'll live in a teepee.

Teepee?

I've thought it all through. Imagine the wonders of nature just a buffalo skin away ... sunsets, starry nights ... Rhubarbara, you and I can forsake the world.

I don't want to forsake the world.

We only live once. Why be like everyone else?

Because I like toilet paper ... and carpet ... and fancy mustard ... and I don't want our kids to have to worry about bears.

That's why we'll teach them to use tomahawks.

Edward!

All right, maybe I'm not being entirely realistic, but before we lose ourselves to a lifetime of drudgery, let's make some time for our dreams.

While you dream your life away, I'm going to live mine ... in the real world. Goodbye, Edward.

Goodbye?

I can't take this anymore. It's not you, it's ... okay, it is you.

You want a cookie cutter husband, but I can't give you that.

Because the whole responsible adult thing just isn't you, right?

I can be responsible.

I have yet to see it.

I've had a real job for years just to make you happy.

Is that the only reason?

Yes. Mostly. It's because you and my parents and everyone else said I had to.

Then read my lips. You don't have to. No one's stopping you from throwing your life away.

You can say that, but you're still using your guilt-inflicting tone of voice.

Can we be done with this conversation?

I don't want to lose you, Rhubarbara.

Then tell me. Which means more to you: me or your dream?

You're part of my dream. We could make music together.

It's not gonna happen.

You're condemning me to failure, because I have the audacity to think differently.

You'll condemn yourself to failure, because I know you. You're a bum.

If you really loved me, you'd accept me as a bum.

If you really loved me, you would face reality.

Better to try and fail than fail to try.

Not when you have a family.

Then who in their right mind would want a family? I'm not going to let you be my ball and chain.

Hold on, I'm the one dumping you. I'm not going to let you be my lazy, drunken excuse for a husband.

I don't have to take this. I'm leaving.

What do you mean you're leaving? This is your house. I'm leaving.

Maybe I'm leaving everything, which just happens to include you.

There are some things in life you can't run away from.

What do you know about life? Mine is slipping away.

I know the feeling. I've wasted years on you.

Do you have any idea --

It's over, Edward.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Have you been listening this whole time?

I was concerned. And seeing that you're no longer together, I thought Rhubarbara could use a gentleman to walk her home.

You are such a --

Thank you, Weasel. I would love to have a gentleman.

Enjoy your life without me. I hope it's everything you dream of.

Did she leave?

Edward, I said don't screw it up.

And my mom said, "No way am I going to touch that snake." But I wasn't afraid. I reached out ... and touched it. True story.

You know, my house is just a block from here, and I could use some time alone. Thank you so much.

The pleasure was mine, m'lady. Perhaps I could check up on you tomorrow, just to make sure you're all right.

That would be fine. Goodnight.

Sweet dreams.

Hot dog!

JANE AND SUE WERE SAFE IN THEIR DOLL'S HOUSE,

AWAY FROM THE BOISTEROUS WORLD.

ALL MY DREAMS WERE SO DAINTY AND GIRLED,

BUT WHAT'S A DREAM IF NOT TO BE SHARED?

SO I WENT TO MY BROTHERS TO PLAY,

 

THEN SOON I WAS LOCKED IN MY CLOSET,

WONDERING WHAT DID I DO TO CAUSE IT?

MY JANE AND SUE HAD THEIR HEADS TORN OFF

BY WARMONGERING CREEPS.

 

AND STILL I HOPED FOR

A DAY WHEN BOYS WOULD BE

A LITTLE MORE MATURE.

WHERE'S THE RUSHING OF THE BREEZE?

NOTHING'S DANCING THROUGH THE TREES.

THERE WAS MAGIC ALL AROUND.

NOW I CANNOT HEAR THE SOUND.

 

SHIMMERING CYMBALS AND HORNS,

ROLLING DRUMS LIKE A THUNDEROUS STORM.

THERE'S A BANG AND CRASH,

BUT IT CAN'T SUSTAIN.

JUST A MATTER OF TIME

BEFORE SILENCE REIGNS,

FEELINGS THAT LEAD YOU TO NOTHING.

 

I FOLLOWED THE CALL OF THE BEAT,

BUT IT LED TO A DARK, EMPTY STREET.

SHOULD I THROW IN THE TOW'L

AND ACCEPT DEFEAT?

CAN I GIVE UP THE DREAM

WHEN IT'S INCOMPLETE?

 

HAVE I BEEN WRONG ALL ALONG?

NOTHING WAS THERE BUT AN EMPTY SONG.

MAYBE IT'S TIME TO AWAKE.

AWAKE AND TOSS AWAY DOLLS

TO THE SHELF OF NEVER AGAIN.

THERE'S NO TIME LEFT

FOR WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN.

'CAUSE NO ONE CARES FOR ...

HOW IT SHOULD BE.

NO ONE'S FREE FROM ...

LIFE'S DEMANDS.

I'M ALONE AND ALWAYS WILL BE

UNTIL YOU COME TO UNDERSTAND

 

THAT LIFE IS MORE THAN IT SEEMS,

MORE THAN DOLLS AND MONEY AND DREAMS.

THERE'S SO MUCH THAT I WANT TO PURSUE,

BUT IT'S JUST NOT THE SAME WITHOUT YOU.

WON'T YOU BE A PART OF WHAT I SEE?

WON'T YOU RETURN

AND SING A SONG WITH ME?

LIFE IS FAR TO SHORT

TO THROW A DREAM AWAY.

THE YEARS ARE GOIN' BY,

AND STILL I'M WONDRIN' WHY

WE DREAM TO BEGIN WITH.

'CAUSE DREAMS ARE NEVER FOUND

THE WAY WE HOPED

OUR HOW WE PLANNED.

LIKE HOLDING WATER,

ONE MOMENT THERE THEN OUT OF HAND.

WISH YOU COULD UNDERSTAND.