CODGERS IN THE NIGHT
(Christmas Version)
A short play for 4 actors
By Stephen Gashler
Copyright © 2025
http://greathall.live
greathalltheatrical@gmail.com
801-900-3035
CAST LIST:
Deloy: male, an elderly resident of a rest home, visionary and determined in spite of a bit of dementia
Melville: male, Deloy's elderly friend, grouchy, cynical
Doris: female, another friend to Deloy and a love interest for Melville, sweet, sincere, though also a bit demented
Nurse: female/male: puts on a nice face but inwardly hates her job, notwithstanding her fear of getting fired
In the lounge of a rest home. MELVILLE & DORIS sit on the couch. DELOY sits by the front door. Enter the NURSE. She goes to the front door.
NURSE
What mischief are you up to today, Deloy?
DELOY looks away as if he didn’t hear. The NURSE types a combination on a keypad on the door. DELOY leans forward and watches. The NURSE exits through the door. DELOY snickers and gets up to his walker. He slowly goes to MELVILLE and DORIS.
DORIS
Look, here comes Deloy!
MELVILLE
What do you think he’s up to?
DORIS
Something tricky. Why are you grinning, Deloy?
DELOY
I’ve got it!
MELVILLE
Got what?
DELOY
I’ve got it!
MELVILLE
Where?
DELOY
(Pointing to his head)
It’s all up here.
MELVILLE
What is?
DELOY
It’s all figured out ...
(points to his head)
... up here.
MELVILLE
(to Doris)
What’s he talking about?
DORIS
I don’t know.
DELOY reaches them and sits down.
DELOY
(To Doris)
I have something for you. My paintbrushes.
DORIS
You’re paintbrushes? But without your paintbrushes, how will you paint pictures?
DELOY
Don’t worry, Doris, it’s all figured out ...
(points to his head)
... up here.
(to Melville)
And I have something for you. My comb.
MELVILLE
You’re comb? But without your comb, how will you comb your hair?
DELOY
Don’t worry, Melville, soon I won’t need to anymore.
DORIS
(afraid)
No, Deloy, you’re not going to --
DELOY
Yes, Doris.
(hushed)
I’m going to escape from the rest home.
MELVILLE and DELOY gasp.
Deloy
If I leave tonight, I'll make it to my daughter's home in time for Christmas. She won't be able to ignore me this year!
DORIS
You mustn’t!
DELOY
Why not?
MELVILLE
You’ll never make it. No one has ever escaped before.
DELOY
And no one has ever done this before.
DELOY does something no one has ever done before.
DORIS
Deloy, this is serious. You can’t leave Happy Gnome Rest Home. What if you get caught?
They’ll take you to see Mrs. Skowers! You heard what she did to Elsworth when he threw his potato across the room.
MELVILLE
Remember last Fiday’s "pork chops"?
DELOY
I’m not afraid of Mrs. Skowers.
DORIS
Besides, Deloy, you’re too old for such a thing. You might die trying.
MELVILLE
Because they’ll shoot you.
DELOY
If I stay here, I’ll die anyway, sooner or later. Don’t you realize that? We’re all dying; that’s why we’re in here.
DORIS
That’s an unhappy thought.
DELOY
That’s why I’m running away: it feels me with happy thoughts again.
MELVILLE
Happy thoughts of what?
DELOY
Happy thoughts of freedom, of pursuing my dreams, with no nurses to stop me.
MELVILLE
It’s because of the little pieces of bark in the toilet paper, isn’t it?
DORIS
It’s because you don’t like us anymore, isn’t it?
MELVILLE
Deloy, you think you're young again, but you’re a crazy old man, and you’ll never make it. Never!
DORIS
This discussion is too intense. Let’s take a break.
DELOY, MELVILLE.
Okay.
They take a break. The NURSE reenters from the front door.
NURSE
(politely)
Bedtime, everyone, bedtime!
DELOY, MELVILLE & DORIS dutifully get up and slowly move toward their rooms.
NURSE
Are we all having fun tonight?
DORIS
No, not at all. I feel icky inside.
NURSE
That’s nice, Doris. Goodnight, Melville. Goodnight, Deloy.
DELOY
Yes, goodnight, nurse. You won’t find me in the morning. I’ll be gone.
NURSE
That’s nice, Deloy.
MELVILLE
(to Deloy)
You’ll never make it.
DORIS
(to Deloy)
Please reconsider.
NURSE
Goodnight, everyone.
Everyone retires into their rooms. Exit the NURSE. A short time later, DELOY’s door creeks open, and he comes out, dressed in black clothes. He begins his escape at the speed of his walker. Enter the NURSE.
NURSE
What are you doing, Deloy?
DELOY
Nothing.
DELOY returns to his room. The NURSE dims the lights, then exits. DELOY cautiously reenters. As he slowly progresses, MELVILLE and DORIS cautiously enter just enough to watch.
MELVILLE
(hushed)
Well I’ll be a wibble nibble bottom, he’s actually going through with it!
DORIS
(hushed)
Deloy, do be careful!
Eventually DELOY stops. He shakes.
DORIS
What is it?
MELVILLE
Are you scared?
DELOY
No. I need my pills. I can’t go any further without them. Melville, be a friend.
MELVILLE
I’m too scared.
DELOY
Please, Melville. They’re right on my dresser.
MELVILLE
They’ll throw us in jail if they catch us!
DELOY
Please, Melville. I can't be here for another Christmas.
MELVILLE
Oh, all right, you old bit lubber!
MELVILLE makes the long journey to retrieve the pills from DELOY’s room. Meanwhile DORIS sings to comfort her anxiety.
DORIS
MY LITTLE JOHNNY’S GOing off TO WAR
DON’ KNOW IF I will SEE HIM anyMORE.
NOW IT’S JUST ME AND LITTLE BILLY
LEFT TO KEEP THE OLD, RED BARN.
NOW LITTLE BILLY’S GOing off TO WAR.
DON’t KNOW IF I will SEE HIM anyMORE.
NOW IT’S JUST ME AND THE DOG
LEFT TO KEEP THE OLD, RED BARN.
Before MELVILLE reaches DELOY, he also freezes and shakes.
DORIS
What is it?
MELVILLE
I need my pills.
DORIS
Oh, no.
MELVILLE
Doris, be a friend.
DORIS
Oh, no!
DELOY & MELVILLE
Please, Doris!
DORIS tries to find her way to MELVILLE's room.
DORIS
It’s too dark out here. I can’t see. What should I do?
DELOY
Turn on the light.
DORIS
Okay.
DORIS, meaning to flip on the light, instead activated the fire alarm.
MELVILLE
It’s the police!
DORIS
The police!
MELVILLE
I told you, Deloy!
DELOY
Don’t worry, I planned for this. Follow me.
Finding a second wind, DELOY and MELVILLE hide themselves. Enter the NURSE.
NURSE
Doris, did you pull the fire alarm?
DORIS
Please don’t throw me in jail! I was against it from the beginning. I told him it was bad to escape.
NURSE
Escape? Who’s going to escape? Doris, what’s this about?
DORIS freezes and shakes.
DORIS
I think I need my pills.
Exit DORIS. The NURSE turns off the fire alarm.
NURSE
(to herself)
Escape? ... Deloy.
The NURSE runs into DELOY's room and soon returns with a dummy. The NURSE speaks into a radio.
NURSE
Mrs. Skowers, tell the fire department it was a false alarm. I’m afraid we have an E.P.21 here.
Exit NURSE. DELOY and MELVILLE come out of hiding.
DELOY
Haha, she fell for it! They’ll throw him in jail instead of me.
MELVILLE
(incredulous)
Who was that other Deloy in your bedroom?
DELOY
Like I told you, Melville, it’s all figured out ...
(points to his head)
... up here.
MELVILLE
You sure are tricky.
DELOY takes his pills and regains his stamina. He continues his journey to the exit while MELVILLE takes a seat.
MELVILLE
Deloy ...
DELOY
What, Melville?
MELVILLE
Your daughter lives in another state. How are you going to get there on a walker?
DELOY
Don’t worry, Melville. It’s all figured out ...
(points to his head)
... up here.
MELVILLE
You have no idea, do you?
DELOY
Nope.
DORIS comes out of her room.
DORIS
Are the police gone?
MELVILLE
He’s thought of everything, Doris. He’s almost made it.
DORIS
I’ll miss you, Deloy!
DELOY
What?
DORIS
I said I’ll miss you!
DELOY
You’re too old to kiss me.
MELVILLE
She said she’ll miss you. And I’ll miss you too.
DELOY
Oh.
DELOY types in the correct code at the exit.
DELOY
(to Melville)
I wonder if there’s a letter under your seat. Maybe you better check.
MELVILLE
What?
DELOY
Goodbye.
Exit DELOY. MELVILLE feels under his seat and discovers a letter.
MELVILLE
(reading)
My dear friends...
(to Doris)
Come, Doris!
DORIS joins MELVILLE.
MELVILLE
(reading)
“By the time you read this, I will have already escaped from Happy Gnome Rest Home. Don’t fear for me. I have been studying Kung fu, and I have enough raisins in my pockets to last fifty years. What matters is that I am finally free. When we meet again, it will be at the eighty year class reunion ... in heaven. Your friend, Deloy.”
MELVILLE and DORIS sob.
MELVILLE
(still reading)
“P.S. For being true friends, I have enclosed in this envelope a dollar for each of you. Merry Christmas.”
They discover the dollars and rejoice. Enter the NURSE.
NURSE
What’s going on here!?
DORIS
(sobbing)
Deloy is gone.
MELVILLE
(sobbing)
We’ll never see him again.
NURSE
Where did he go!?
DORIS
Out the door.
The NURSE goes to the exit.
NURSE
(mumbling)
That old bag’s gonna get me fired!
The NURSE exits, followed by a scream and a thud.
NURSE
(offstage)
Who put marbles on the steps!?
MELVILLE
He really thought of everything.
We hear a struggle, then a defeated DELOY is dragged back on.
MELVILLE & DORIS
Deloy!
NURSE
You are in big trouble, Mister. I’m afraid you and I will have to go see Mrs. Skowers.
DORIS
(terrified)
No, not Mrs. Skowers!
MELVILLE
(compassionately)
I’m sorry, Deloy.
NURSE
(to Melville and Doris)
I’ll deal with you two when I get back.
DORIS
It was such a wonderful dream. I believed in you.
MELVILLE
I believed in you too. But I guess you didn’t have it all figured out after all.
DELOY
(nobly)
If I am called to die at this time, I want you to remember this from me: Man is only as old as he lets himself be. Though our flesh may grow weak, and though they may confine us, yet they may never take away ... our happy thoughts.
Before the NURSE leads DELOY off, he adds ...
DELOY
Besides, I have a plan B.
MELVILLE & DOIRS
What?
DELOY
(whispering)
Look on the back of the letter.
Exit DELOY and the NURSE.
MELVILLE
(reading the letter)
“The combination to the door is 7283. As I said, it’s all figured out up here. I am pointing to my head.”
A moment of contemplation.
MELVILLE
(to Doris)
Would you like to run away and get married?
DORIS
Yes.
Blackout.