TWO NIGHTS BEFORE CHRISTMAS,

IN AN AUSTRIAN CABIN,

WHERE CHILDREN SO NAUGHTY,

YOU CAN BARELY IMAGINE.

 

SEVEN PLUS ONE,

THROUGH WINTER SO BITTER,

WERE WATCHED DAY AND NIGHT

BY A STAUNCH BABYSITTER,

 

WHILE PARENTS WERE HAVING

SUCH WONDERFUL TIMES,

WITHOUT EVER KNOWING

THEIR LITTLE ONES' CRIMES:

 

PRIDE AND VAINGLORY

WITH ENVY SO GREEN,

GLUTTONOUS EATING,

AND WRATH, TOUGH AND MEAN.

 

GREED SO DEMANDING,

WITH LUSTFUL DESIRE,

SLOTHFUL AND LAZY,

ALL GEARED FOR THE FIRE.

 

LITTLE THEY KNEW

THROUGH THE WINTERY STORM,

THEIR LIVES WERE ABOUT

TO FOREVER TRANSFORM,

FOR KRAMPUS, THE DEMON

OF HOLIDAY LORE

WAS COMING TO SCARE THEM

AS NEVER BEFORE.

Birch Wood Skiers Lodge, this is Frau Schmidt.

Yes, it's snowing here too. Quite a storm.

The children are doing fine. They're just putting on their dinner clothes.

No, there's no reason to check in on them. You tell all the parents to enjoy the skiing trip.

We'll see you tomorrow night. Goodbye.

I washed my hands three times.

You're a good boy, Dieter.

I'm starving! What's for dinner?

Schnitzel with noodles.

That's what we had last night!

That was goulash with noodles.

I'd give anything for some soda bread and bacon.

I'm glad to be here. I've made new friends while our parents have been boosting company morale and strengthening international ties.

Who paid you to say that?

It came from my heart.

Not at the dinner table.

Giovanni, no dessert until after dinner.

Why do we have to go to all this trouble just for dinner? It's not worth it.

Perhaps it would be worth it if there was real food for once.

I think schnitzel and noodles are yummy.

I don't care what it is. I'm hungry.

Is everybody here?

We're missing Lou and Edna ... not that I care.

I think Lou is still on the phone with her boyfriend.

She's too young to have a boyfriend.

Am not. His name is Chauncey, and he's my third boyfriend.

You lie.

You're just jealous.

Has anyone seen Edna?

If she doesn't come on time, that's her problem. Let's eat.

Very well. Who would like to say grace?

I will. ... Dear lord, please bless our parents that they may be safe from concussions and hypothermia and falling to their deaths. We pray that their team-building convention will result in increased downlines and the sales of many cosmetics and useful cleaning products throughout the world. And bless all of us children that we may put aside our differences and discover the true spirit of Christmas. Amen.

Help yourselves.

You couldn't have waited till I got out of the bathroom? It's like no one knows I exist.

Get over yourself, Edna.

We were hungry.

Are you children excited for Christmas?

I'm excited for my bike, that's for sure.

I love Christmas cookies ... and ginger bread ... and candy canes.

There will be plenty of that ... and songs and games and decorations. Which reminds me, I forgot to uncover the most important decoration.

What the devil is that?

I believe you mean who the devil.

Don't you recognize Krampus?

Who?

Krampus, the bringer of Christmas justice.

Looks like a deranged goat man.

That's exactly what he is.

 

EVERY DECEMBER,

SAINT NICHOLAS RIDES,

KNOCKING ON HOUSES

WITH GOOD KIDS INSIDE.

 

BUT WHAT OF THE NAUGHTY ONES?

HOW SHALL THEY FARE?

KRAMPUS, THE DEMON,

WILL TAKE THEM BY THE HAIR!

Is Krampus real?

He's as real as Santa Claus.

IF YOU'VE BEEN ROTTEN,

HE'LL STUFF YOU IN A SACK

AND WITH SOME BIRCH WOOD,

HE'LL GIVE YOU A WHACK.

 

IF YOU'VE BEEN HORRIBLE,

NO MATTER HOW YOU YELL,

HE'LL TIE THE SACK UP EXTRA TIGHT

AND DRAG YOU DOWN TO HELL.

How come I've never seen him at the mall or on Coca Cola signs?

I don't think he comes to America.

CHILDREN THROUGHOUT THE WORLD

GROW NAUGHTIER EACH YEAR.

IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME

TILL KRAMPUS APPEARS.

RUN WHILE YOU CAN!

I've never seen him.

Or so you think. He can use his magic to take any form. The milk man, the little old lady across the street ... through one disguise or another, he's always watching.

He never comes to Russia, because there are no naughty children in Russia.

Don't laugh. I kill you.

But this is Austria, where I see many naughty children. If I were you, I'd be careful. Some say that as people have stopped believing in Krampus, he's hidden away in these very mountains until the time is right to make his return.

Time to clean up and get ready for bed.

But I'm still eating.

Dinner was supposed to start at six. Choice and consequence.

Fine with me. The less of this rot I have to eat, the better.

How come your clock doesn't chime for every hour?

This clock doesn't count hours.

What does it count?

Lights out in five minutes.

She's just trying to scare us. Where I live, they say we'll get lumps of coal if we're naughty. But you know what? I've been naughty every year of my life, and I still get presents. It's beautiful.

No monster comes for me, and I say naughty words all the time. Once I even stuck out my middle finger.

I steal cookies from the kicthen.

I pretend to be sick so I can stay home from church.

I fart sometimes.

That's not naughty. Everyone does that.

And I don't say excuse me.

You're all a bunch of novices. I've kissed boys.

You're such a liar.

I've kissed as many boys as you have teeth.

Twenty-eight. And that was just last month.

Don't believe a word of it.

I'll kiss every boy here. That'll show you.

Please don't.

I don't think that's a good idea. If Krampus finds out --

You think we're scared of your pretend goat-man?

He won't whip all of us, will he?

Come on, boys, line up. Who's first?

I'm not gonna kiss her.

Don't look at me.

Come on, Dieter, darling, you know you want to.

Stay back.

WHEREVER I GO,

I BRING MY GRACE AND POISE,

ATTRACTING THE EYES

OF SUCH DELICIOUS BOYS.

 

TO LOOK AWAY FROM THIS GEM,

I KNOW THEY NEED ME LIKE I NEED THEM.

 

HOW CAN YOU BLAME ME

FOR SPREADING COOTIES?

I CAN'T HELP

IF I WAS BORN AS A BEAUTY!

 

A GIRL HAS A DUTY

WITH LIPS LIKE THESE,

TO SHARE ALL THE LOVE

AND SPREAD THE DISEASE.

 

THE GROWNUPS WILL TELL YOU

YOU GOTTA BEHAVE,

CAN'T HAVE NO FUN UNTIL

YOU'VE GONE TO THE GRAVE.

 

I THINK THEY'RE CLUELESS

OF THE LAW OF ATTRACTION.

THEY SAY IT'S A SIN

BECAUSE THEY CAN'T GET NO ACTION.

 

HOW CAN YOU BLAME ME

FOR SPREADING COOTIES?

I CAN'T HELP IT

IF I AM A BEAUTY.

 

A GIRL HAS A DUTY

WITH LIPS LIKE THESE,

TO SHARE ALL THE LOVE

AND SPREAD THE DISEASE.

 

DON'T STUFF ME IN A DRESS,

TELLING ME MY TALENTS SHOULD BE SUPPRESSED.

I'M GONNA LIVE ONE SMOOCH AT TIME!

 

DON'T STUFF ME IN A DRESS,

TELLING ME MY TALENTS SHOULD BE SUPPRESSED.

I'M GONNA LIVE ONE SNOG AT TIME!

 

TRY AS THEY MIGHT

TO LOOK AWAY FROM THIS GEM,

I KNOW THEY NEED ME LIKE I NEED THEM.

 

SO I'LL POP IN A BREATH MINT

AND BALM MY LIPS.

TIME FOR MASCARA

AND POPPIN' THOSE ZITS.

 

NO ONE COULD BLAME YOU

WHEN ONE'S SO ALLURING,

WHO COULD RESIST?

 

BABE, IF IT FEELS GOOD,

IT MUST BE OKAY.

WHO NEEDS LOGIC

WHEN IT'S TIME TO PLAY?

 

I'LL CHOOSE MY PASSION

OVER CONSEQUENCE.

IT SOUNDS SO CATCHY,

WHO NEED'S COMMON SENSE?

OH WHAT A THRILL

TO BE YOUNG AND DUMB.

There, you see? I'm a regular hussy, and I get away with it every Christmas.

When does Krampus come?

He could come any time.

I'm going to move my bed away from the window.

Me too.

They're scared.

Don't worry, I'll protect you.

You're all a bunch of cowards.

Perhaps it's time we say our prayers.

Lights out!

Wake up, it's time to get ready for breakfast.

I'm still tired.

Oh, come on, you lazies. Let's get on with it.

How come Lou gets to stay in bed?

Come on, Lou, we're hungry.

I'm not moving till she does.

I've got this.

Krampus got her!

Good grief. She's probably just helping Frau Schmidt with breakfast.

How do you explain the doll?

Lots of people sleep with dolls.

It's made with birch brances. That's what Krampus uses to whip children.

You're making a big deal out of nothing.

Frau Schmidt! ... Lou!

Maybe they went to the grocery store.

There's no store around here. We're in the middle of the Alps.

Maybe they're collecting firewood.

In a snowstorm?

Maybe they're lost.

Frau Schmidt knows her way around.

In that case, we should stay here and wait for them.

In that case, we can eat whatever we want.

Finally some real food ... if there is any.

Poor Lou. I hope she's all right.

Jackpot!

I want some.

Hand it over.

I'll settle this. We have an odd number of claims on an even number of slices.

Problem solved.

You dirty, rotten ...

You must understand, food is my passion.

People are missing -- or, for all we know, dead -- and you're going to sing?

I WISH I COULD EAT THE EARTH,

BUT I ONLY HAVE SO MUCH GIRTH.

LET ME DESTRUCT

IT ALL FOR MY TONGUE.

LET ME CORRUPT MY HEALTH WHILE I'M YOUNG.

 

EACH SWEET BUTTERBALL I INGEST

ADDS LAYERS OF MASS TO MY CHEST.

WITH EACH CAVITY,

THE ROUNDER I APPEAR,

THE MORE GRAVITY

TILL I'M ONE WITH THE SPHERES.

 

WOULD MY TUMMY WERE SO GREAT,

I COULD EAT UNTIL IT'S LATE.

NO HIGH CALORIC TOUCH

COULD EVER BE TOO MUCH.

 

IF IT CRAWLS OR IF IT FLIES,

SERVE IT UP WITH BATTERED FRIES,

SPARE NO CHOLESTEROL

TILL MY ARTERIES ARE FULL.

 

CHOC'LATE WITH SWEET CAFFEINE,

CHEESE DRIPPING WITH MORPHINE,

SPARE ME NO DRUG.

FOR A FEW SPECIAL YEARS,

LET ME INDULGE

BEFORE CANCER APPEARS.

 

GIVE ME FRUCTOSE, GIVE ME STARCH,

PYROPHOSPHATE. MAKE IT LARGE.

HYDROGENATED OIL,

YELLOW FORTY WRAPPED IN FOIL.

 

FRY IT ALL UNTIL IT'S CHARRED

WITH AN EXTRA SCOOP OF LARD.

PLEASE HOLD NOTHING BACK

UNTIL MY HEART ATTACK.

Go on, hide in the bathroom. He's afraid of a girl ... as he should be. As soon as he unlocks that door, he'll have to answer to this.

There's only one problem with that. I have to use bathroom right now.

All right, Giovanni, come out now, and I promise I wont hurt you ...

... too much.

What was that?

Giovanni, open the door!

Don't worry, I know how to pick a lock. All it takes is a little bobby pin and ... voila!

This was on the toilet seat.

And Giovanni?

Gone.

Oh, not another one!

It's all right, Giovanni. I've got you.

The window's open.

I don't think I need to go anymore.

Now do you believe me?

I'm telling my parents. They'll come for us. ... Hello? ... It's not working.

Must be the storm.

Or someone cut line.

Santa will save us.

Santa? He's got five-hundred-million kids to worry about. You know that I think? I think Frau Schmidt's trying to scare us into behaving. Well I'm gonna misbehave all the more.

The rest of you?

It wouldn't hurt to be good ... would it?

You look nice today, Paulette.

Thank you.

Excuse me.

Would you like --

Shh, not too loud.

Would you like book?

That would be lovely.

It's most fascinating.

Let's clean up the place, shall we?

I'll sweep the floor.

I wanted to sweep the floor.

There's plenty of jobs for everyone. Frau Schmidt keeps her cleaning supplies over there.

You're actually going to clean house when no one's making you?

It will make Frau Schmidt happy.

I think George is right. Frau Schmidt is playing nasty trick, and she won't get a lick of work out of me.

It's not fair. Sasha should have to work too.

Ever since I woke up, it's been nothing but bad news. So I'm going back to sleep ... on Frau Schmidt's bed.

I don't think that's a good idea.

Why should we have to sleep on floor while she gets feather mattress?

It's Krampus you need to worry about. You don't want him to think you're lazy.

I would argue with that, but I'm too lazy.

Oh not another song!

The last two children who sangs songs had bad things happen to them.

WHAT IS THAT TO ME?

EVERYONE IS WORKING HARD.

THEY SAY THERE'S MUCH TO DO.

BUT WHEN YOU FIND ENLIGHTENMENT,

YOU KNOW IT ISN'T TRUE.

 

EVERYDAY WE FAIL BECAUSE

WE SHOULD HAVE LEARNED AT BIRTH:

EVERYTHING REQUIRES

A GREATER INPUT THAN IT'S WORTH.

 

ALL RETURNS DIMINISH,

THERE'S SIMPLY NO DENYING.

A WAY AROUND WOULD BE SO HARD,

IT'S PROB'LY NOT WORTH TRYING.

 

THE LESS I HAVE TO RAISE MY PULSE,

THE PRETTIER I STAY.

SO I TELL YOU WHAT IT IS

I'M GOING TO DO TODAY:

 

NOTHING,

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

 

IF YOU LIE DOWN LONG ENOUGH,

YOUR TROUBLES GO AWAY.

YOU CAN DO IT ALL TOMORROW.

WHY STRESS ABOUT TODAY?

 

WHY TEAR YOUR HANDS FROM LABOR?

WHY LIFT A SINGLE FINGER?

 

I'm too tired to finish this verse. George, you do it.

THIS ISN'T ROCKET SCIENCE.

ACTUALLY IT MIGHT BE.

REQUIRES TREADING LIGHTLY.

AND LIMIT ENTROPY,

ONE MUST LIMIT ALL REACTIONS,

SPEAKING CHEMIC'LY.

THANK YOU. THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL.

IT CAUSED MY HEART TO STIR.

WHAT IT ALL AMOUNTS TO,

I TELL YOU IN ONE WORD.

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

But given the circumstances, don't you think now's a less than favorable time to --

Don't contradict me. I kill you.

 

YOU TRY TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE,

BUT DEEP DOWN YOU DON'T WANNA.

YOU KNOW YOU LONG TO SINK

INTO OBLIVIOUS NIRVANA.

 

MANUAL LABOR, WHAT A JOKE,

A HABIT OF THE WEAK,

WORKING FOR THE BOSSES

WHO MAKE MONEY IN THEIR SLEEP.

 

I fully intend to get rich in my sleep.

How does that work?

I'll figure it out later. As for now, do you know what I'm going to do?

I'm pretty sure we do.

I tell you anyway.

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

Sasha?

Giovanni, that was very mean of you to scare others.

You're sick, Sasha.

No, just tired.

Would you like some tea?

I would love some --

Sasha!

Not Sasha! I am so sad.

George is right. No one but Frau Schmidt could be doing this, and we're going to beat her at her game.

There's no way she can take out five naughty children at once.

Why not just be good?

And give her what she wants?

Maybe we should stick together from now on.

Come and get us, Frau Schmidt! We're being very naughty!

What should I do?

Swear. Aren't you good at that?

Truth is, I don't know how.

Verse thirty-three.

Good job.

Let's go find where they're hiding.

You go. I'll stay here and stand guard.

Guard what?

You know, the most important things.

He means himself.

Give me those!

I found some more cake.

What?

We should look outside.

Do you hear that?

Over here! Help me untie it.

Oh, my children. It was Krampus! He knew I’d try to protect you. It’s too dangerous out here. Quickly, back to the lodge!

Help me lock and cover up every door and window. Everyone must stay with a partner. We're not taking any chances.

I'll be your partner, Frau Schmidt. I won't let the Krampus hurt you. I'm not afraid.

Then help us secure the house.

Let the plebians perform the menial chores. I will stay here and fight the Krampus to the death.

No, don't sing a song!

You're right. That would be stupid.

Come on, Paulette, help us secure the house.

As George said, someone needs to stand guard.

So you are afraid.

No!

Stop it, you idiot!

I'll sing if I want to.

 

WE'VE COME THIS FAR,

THOUGH SOME WERE NAUGHTY.

NOW THEY'VE FALLEN,

LIKE JOSEPH STALIN.

 

BUT WE'RE STILL HERE,

SO I GUESS WE ARE GOOD,

THOUGH SOME ARE GOODER

FROM HEAD TO FOOTER.

 

DON'T MEAN TO BRAG,

BUT I'M NOT LIKE THEM.

AND I DO MY DUTIES,

AND I DON'T HAVE COOTIES.

 

AND WHEN IT HAPPENS

THAT THE MONSTER RETURNS,

DO NOT HATE ME,

BUT HE WILL NOT TAKE ME.

 

AND I'M GLAD HE'S COME TO BRING

JUSTICE TO THE WICKED,

TILL THE HAPPY DAY

WHEN NAUGHTY ONES WILL CEASE.

AS THE GUILTY ARE AFFLICTED.

THE GOOD KIDS CAN

ENJOY THEIR TOYS IN PEACE,

IN PEACE.

 

BUT AS FOR NOW,

I'LL PROTECT THEM.

I WILL NOT NEGLECT THEM ...

EXCEPT FOR GEORGE.

 

'CAUSE HE IS NAUGHTY,

AND I DON'T LIKE HIS NOSE,

SAME WITH EDNA,

SAME WITH ROSE.

 

ON SECOND THOUGHT,

THEY'RE NOT WORTH SAVING,

BUT THAT'S OKAY.

IT'S EASIER THIS WAY.

 

I ONLY WISH

HE WOULD RID THE WHOLE WORLD

OF NAUGHTY KIDS

AND STINKY PIGS.

 

AWAY TO THE CITY OF WOE,

AWAY TO ETERNAL PAIN.

ABANDON HOPE, ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE.

LET THE CENTAURS SHOOT THEIR ARROWS.

LET THE HARPIES EAT YOUR MARROW.

IF IT'S MEANT TO BE,

IT'S BETTER YOU THAN ME.

 

AND I'M GLAD HE'S COME TO BRING

JUSTICE TO THE WICKED,

TILL THE HAPPY DAY

WHEN NAUGHTY ONES WILL CEASE.

THEN WE'LL RISE AND SING

AS THE GUILTY ARE AFFLICTED.

THE GOOD KIDS CAN

ENJOY THEIR TOYS IN PEACE,

 

IN PEACE,

AS SOON AS THEY CEASE.

I'LL JUST HAVE TO WAIT THEN

UNTIL HE TAKES THEM.

Frau Schmidt, why doesn't Paulette have to help?

Paulette ...

You waste my talent.

Come one. Let's have a look at the backroom.

Our side's all secure.

So is ours.

Frau Schmidt, we're finished! ... Frau Schmidt?

Where's Paulette?

She just went to the backroom with Frau Schmidt. The lodge should be secure now.

Frau Schmidt?

Paulette?

Someone should check on them.

I'm not going in there.

I'll go.

Take a partner. Frau Schmidt said no chances.

Will you be my partner?

Sorry, I'm George's partner.

No you're not, Dieter is. Was. The partnership just ended. My new partner is Rose.

Because we have so much in common. Partner hug?

I'll pass.

Kiss?

Do you want to end up like Lou?

I guess that leaves you, Edna.

Okay.

Oh, I think I broke my leg!

Oh no. Let me help you.

No, go on without me. I'll be all right.

You won't be all right. You just broke your leg!

It's just a minor break. Paulette and Frau Schmidt are more important.

If you say so.

Can I see your leg?

Don't touch me!

Was the window open?

It was covered and locked.

You're sure he was in the backroom?

Positive.

This could only mean one thing. The Krampus is somewhere in this house.

It probably got Frau Schmidt too.

GOD PROTECT OUR HELPLESS SOULS,

POOR VICTIMS OF AGGRESSION.

WHO CAN BEAR THIS MONSTROUS DREAM,

A GOAT-MAN'S DARK OBSESSION?

HE SMELLS OUR FEARS,

HE TASTES OUR TEARS.

HE HUNTS US EVER FASTER.

KRAMPUS, DEMON OF THE NIGHT ...

WON'T STOP TILL THERE'S DISASTER.

CHILDREN GOING MISSING.

PARENTS OUT OF TOWN.

NO ONE LEFT TO HEAR OUR SCREAMS.

THINGS ARE LOOKING DOWN, DOWN, DOWN!

ANYWHERE WE GO ...

HE'LL BE THERE AT OUR SIDE.

NO MATTER WHERE WE RUN ...

THERE'S NOWHERE WE CAN HIDE.

SNEAKING THROUGH THE WINDOW,

SEIZING IN THE NIGHT.

NOTHING WE CAN DO

BUT STAND AND FIGHT.

DOES HE KNOW OUR DIRTY SECRETS,

ALL WE'VE TRIED TO BURY?

COULD WE POSSIBLY IMAGINE

ANYTHING MORE SCARY?

MAYBE WE SHOULD SAY OUR PRAYERS,

AND CEASE FROM ALL TEMPTATION.

SURRENDER TO THE GROWNUPS' WILL,

THEIR VILE INTIMIDATION?

CHILDREN GOING MISSING.

PARENTS OUT OF TOWN.

NO ONE LEFT TO HEAR OUR SCREAMS.

THINGS ARE LOOKING DOWN,

DOWN, DOWN, DOWN, DOWN!

 

ANYWHERE WE GO,

NO MATTER WHERE WE RUN,

THERE'S NOWHERE WE CAN HIDE.

 

SNEAKING THROUGH THE WINDOW,

SEIZING IN THE NIGHT.

NOTHING WE CAN DO

BUT STAND OUR GROUND AND FIGHT.

 

THE HARDER WE RESIST,

THERE MORE OF US HE'LL TAKE,

AND HE'LL BE BACK FOR MORE.

MAKE NO MISTAKE.

LET US WARN YOU.

NONE WILL MOURN YOU.

CEASE YOUR NAUGHTINESS ...

SINS AND HAUGHTINESS.

RETRIBUTION WILL CATCH UP WITH YOU!

ANYWHERE WE GO,

HE'LL BE THERE AT OUR SIDE.

NO MATTER WHERE WE RUN,

THERE'S NOWHERE WE CAN HIDE.

 

SNEAKING THROUGH THE WINDOW,

SEIZING IN THE NIGHT.

NOTHING WE CAN DO

BUT STAND OUR GROUND AND FIGHT.

 

THE HARDER WE RESIST,

THERE MORE OF US HE'LL TAKE,

AND HE'LL BE BACK FOR MORE.

MAKE NO MISTAKE.