THE PHANTOM BREAKS THE OPERA
A Full-length Musical Farce
By Stephen and Teresa Gashler
Inspired by the novel by Gaston Leroux,
The Musical by Andrew Lloyd Webber,
And "The Play That Goes Wrong" Series
CHARACTERS
Actor 1 - female:
• Christine Daaé - a Swedish-born opera singer
Actor 2 - male:
• The Vicomte Raoul de Chagny - Christine's childhood playmate turned suitor
Actor 3 - male:
• Erik - the "phantom" or "opera ghost"
Actor 4 - male:
• Armand Moncharmin - manager of the Palais Garnier (opera house)
• Gaston Leroux - crime reporter/narrator
• Count Phillipe de Chagny - male, Raoul's older brother
Actor 5 - female
• Carlotta - a Spanish opera diva, Christine's rival
Actor 6 - female:
• Meg Giry - a young ballerina
• Madame Giry - Meg's mother, a loyal servant to the phantom
Actor 7 - female:
• Stage Manager
TBD:
• The Persian - a former daroga (chief of police) to the Sultan of Persia, a mysterious friend of Erik
• The ex-girlfriend of the Actor who plays Raoul
Act 1
1.1 - Stage
"spookiness 1"
A chandelier sits on the stage. Enter STAGE MANAGER.
Stage manager
Ladies and gentlemen, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that our actors are fully committed to their roles.
(trying to conceal her stress)
As of five minutes ago, I just that learned that, in preparation for tonight's performance, many of the cast members wanted to test out the logistics of kidnapping an opera singer mid-performance. The bad news is that they're now in jail. But our remaining five actors are more than capable of putting on a slightly ... modified version of the show.
(hollering for the cast to hear)
In fact, they're reviewing their new lines and changing their costumes right now.
(laughs)
Live theatre. It's precious. Speaking of which, it's not that I'm stalling or anything, but does anyone have a joke they'd like to tell? No? Well, I do know one. It's pretty funny, actually. Why did the actor go to therapy? Because she couldn't deal with all the drama in her life. ... That's actually not funny.
Enter GASTON Leroux.
Stage manager
It's supposed to be Gaston.
Gaston
I am Gaston.
Stage manager
Okay, then. Umm ... enjoy the show?
Exit STAGE MANAGER.
"SPOOKINESS 2"
Gaston
I am Gaston Leroux, crime reporter and opera critic. While I may have written a few novels on the side, the following story is true. Trust me. I'm an actor. The place, the Palais Garnier or Paris Opera House. It is a matter of fact that on the twentieth of May, eighteen-ninety-six, a chandelier disaster killed one and injuring many.
It is also a matter of fact that deep beneath the opera house is an underground lake, secret passages, and hidden torture chambers. From these dark recesses, many bodies were discovered, one of them was hideously disfigured. But who was this monstrous man, and was he linked, as some say, to the deaths at the opera house? Let us turn back the years as I illuminate the shadows of the one many feared but few knew, the one they called ... the phantom of the opera!
"OVERTURE"
GASTON raises his hands triumphantly as the chandelier rises. Suddenly the chandelier falls again, stopping just before hitting GASTON. GASTON resumes his heroic stance as the chandelier rises again. When the chandelier falls a second time, GASTON runs off. At the end of the overture, the chandelier finishes rising, and the hanging corpse of a man (a dummy) falls before the audience. Enter CARLOTTA (an Spanish opera singer dressed as a Norse goddess and holding a mirror), who screams at the ghastly sight.
Carlotta
It's Joseph Bouquet! Oh, how terrible, don't you think, little Meg? ... Little Meg?
Meg
(off)
Little Meg is unavailable at the moment.
The STAGE MANAGER pushes on MEG (a young ballerina played by someone who doesn't exactly fit the part and is still trying to get into their costume).
Carlotta
Really?
Stage manager
She was the only actor left.
Exit STAGE MANAGER.
Meg
The opera ghost got him! Poor, Joseph Bouquet. Mother warned him to keep his mouth shut.
Carlotta
Whatever do you mean, Little Meg?
Meg
When Joseph was working backstage, he saw the opera ghost. He told all of us ballerinas about the ghost's terrible face like a skull. But the ghost doesn't like people speaking about him.
Carlotta
Silly girl, you expect me to believe this nonsense?
Enter ARMAND Moncharmin (the manager of the opera played by the same actor who played GASTON).
Armand
Dash it all, what's all this hullabaloo?
carlotta
(hushed)
It's supposed to be Armand.
Armand
(hushed)
I am Armand.
(seeing Joseph)
Blimey! Joseph! My first day as the new manager of the opera, and my employees kill themselves. Am I really that bad?
Meg
He didn't kill himself, monsieur manager, it was the ghost!
ArmanD
Fiddlesticks, my ...
(getting a look at Meg)
... girl. Before we cut him down, let us have a moment of silence in Joseph's honor.
As they begin their moment of silence, the corpse falls on CARLOTTA, who screams again, though this time not in character.
Armand
Ah, Joseph always was such a fan of yours, Carlotta, our leading soprano.
Carlotta
Git him off of me!
ARMAND and MEG lift the corpse off of CARLOTTA.
Meg
I'll miss you, Joseph.
Armand
(puppeteering the corpse)
I'll miss you too, Little Meg.
ARMAND accidentally pulls the corpse's arm off.
Armand
Sorry. I'll just put this back.
In trying to restore the arm, ARMAND accidentally knocks the corpse's head off.
Armand
Umm ...
He pushes the corpse off the stage and acts casual.
Armand
As heavy as our hearts are, you must continue rehearsing for the big performance tonight. Carry on!
Exit ARMAND.
"golden apples"
CARLOTTA sings while MEG dances.
Carlotta
Ah, behold, the mirror sings
Of beauty far too good for kings.
All enemies smashed 'neath my feet
worship Asgard's goddess,
pure and sweet.
My hair like golden rays of dawn,
My eyes the stars to whom the world is drawn.
A masterpiece to make all mortal sighs,
For me so very many men will die.
But Goddesses need lots of food
To upkeep their Eternal youth.
Lowly servant girl, bring me
My golden apples from the tree.
Ah ...
Carlotta
Golden apples, please!
(looking around)
Where's my lowly servant girl?
Enter STAGE MANAGER.
Stage manager
(to the audience)
Ladies and gentlemen, I just learned that due to an unfortunate polar bearing accident, Idina Menzel will be unable to play the role of Christine Daaé tonight. It turns out the cold did bother her after all. The role of Christine will now be played by ...
(extemporizing)
... our lovely stagehand!
Enter STAGEHAND, who shoots deadly eyes at the STAGE MANAGER while assuming a position near CARLOTTA.
"Golden apples"
CARLOTTA
AH, BEHOLD, THE MIRROR SINGS
OF BEAUTY FAR TOO GOOD FOR KINGS.
A sandbag falls near to CARLOTTA, and the music cuts.
Meg
It's the opera ghost!
Carlotta
First Joseph, now this. How am I supposed to work in these conditions?
(gesturing to the stagehand)
It's bad enough that you make me play across singers beneath my talent.
Meg
Unless you want to end up like Joseph Bouquet, you should be careful of how you speak of Christine. I have reason to believe the opera ghost is looking out for her.
A sandbag falls on the STAGEHAND.
Phantom
(off)
Sorry! That one was an accident.
Enter STAGE MANAGER.
Stage manager
Ladies and gentlemen, the role of Christine Daaé will now be played by ... Little Meg.
(irritated)
And the phantom will be more careful this time.
Phantom
(off)
Thank you, careful.
The STAGE MANAGER drags off the STAGEHAND as MEG assumes the role of the servant girl.
Carlotta
It's as if someone's trying to get rid of me. But I will be strong.
"Golden Apples"
Before CARLOTTA sings a single word, the sandbag intended for CARLOTTA falls on MEG, and the music cuts.
Phantom
(off)
Look, this is harder than it looks!
Enter STAGE MANAGER.
Stage manager
Ladies and gentlemen ... can any of you sing?
A planted AUDIENCE MEMBER raises her hand.
Stage manager
You, there. Kindly come to the stage.
The audience member (hence forward referred to as CHRISTINE) comes onto the stage.
Christine
Oh my gosh, I've always dreamed of playing Christine Daaé. It's such a romantic role! I haven't read the script, but I know all the songs by heart, and I spent eleven years in the vocal conservatory and am currently working on my post-graduate in acting and --
Stage manager
Yeah, yeah, you'll do. Go get your costume on.
The STAGE MANAGER pushes CHRSTINE off. Enter ARMAND.
Armand
In the meantime ...
(hushed)
We're jumping ahead to page seven.
(loud)
Allow me to introduce our new patron, the Vicomte Raoul de Chagny.
Meg
(still on the floor)
Oh, that flowing hair.
Raoul
Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.
Armand
Without generous contributions from families like the Chagnys, there could be no Palais Garnier. Carlotta, will you not show our gratitude by performing your beautiful aria from the opera tonight?
Carlotta
I will not be singing in the opera tonight.
Armand
What?
Carlotta
This opera house is unsafe, and I'm through.
Armand
Please, madame, the Vicomte has heard rumors of your angelic voice and wanted nothing more than to see you in person.
raoul
Actually, I was hoping to see Chris --
Armand
Do you really want to disappoint your adoring fans?
Carlotta
I would hate to break their hearts. Forgive my outburst about unsafe working conditions. Maestro!
"beautiful bunnies 1"
Carlotta
Blossoms are blooming.
Horses are grooming.
magic's in the air,
Blue skies with rainbows!
A sandbag falls on CARLOTTA.
Phantom
(off)
I didn't do that one!
armand
(extemporizing)
Oh no, what will we do now that Carlotta is ... dead?
Carlotta
Not dead, just hurt very badly.
Armand
What will we do now that Carlotta is hurt very badly? And on a sold-out night!
Meg
(still on the floor)
Christine Daaé has been practicing with a great teacher.
Armand
The chorus girl?
Meg
She can fill in for Carlotta.
Enter CHRISTINE.
Christine
Did someone say my name?
Armand
By all means, Mademoiselle, show us what you've got.
"beautiful bunnies 2"
Christine
Okay, so this is actually the one song I don't know.
BLOSSOMS ARE BLOOMING.
HORSES ARE GROOMING.
THOSE ARE ALL THE WORDS I KNOW,
LA LA.
YOU CAN STOP STARING AT ME.
REALLY, I WON'T MIND.
I KNOW THAT SOME PART
GOES RIDICULOUSLY HIGH.
AH ...
I'M JUST STALLING NOW.
I'M STILL STALLING.
HOW LONG DOES THIS SONG GO ON?
I THINK IT'S FIN'LY ENDING.
IT'S FIN'LY ENDING!
AH!
Enter STAGE MANAGER, who removes CHRISTINE's outer dress, revealing a dazzling performance dress beneath as we transition to the opera. The STAGE MANAGER gives CHRISTINE the sheet music.
RAOUL
Bravo!
CARLOTTA
My new rival.
ARMAND
(breaking character)
Wow. This show might not suck after all.
The STAGE MANAGER pushes off everyone but CHRISTINE.
Christine
BLOSSOMS ARE BLOOMING.
HORSES ARE GROOMING.
MAGIC'S IN THE AIR,
BLUE SKIES WITH RAINBOWS!
Aside, enter RAOUL.
RAOUL
CHRISTINE'S AMAZING,
AND I'M TOT'LY GONNA MARRY HER.
Christine
BEAUTIFUL BUNNIES
BOUNCING WITH BLISS ...
RAOUL
TOT'LY GONNA MARRY ...
Christine
TWITTERPATED LOVERS
STEALING A KISS.
Raoul
Marry me!
Christine
ALL OF GOD'S CREATURES ...
Christine
MAKING SO VERY MANY BABIES.
Hearts filled with fluff,
We can't get enough
Of spring!
Raoul
Won't you marry, marry, marry, marry me?
Need you by my side!
Forever, won't marry,
Oh won't you marry me?
DURING THE APPLAUSE, ENTER ARMAND.
Armand
Christine Daaé, ladies and gentlemen!
(to Christine, hushed)
Faint.
CHRSTINE faints, being caught by ARMAND and RAOUL. Blackout.
1.2 - dressing room
"Bravissi-issi-issmo"
Phantom
(off)
Bravo! Bravissimo! Bravissi-issi-issimo!
At lights up: CHRISTINE comes to in a chair. RAOUL is waiting on her.
Christine
Where am I?
raoul
Your dressing room, Mademoiselle. That was quite the performance.
Christine
Yes. Yes it was.
Raoul
It's been a long time, Christine.
Christine
Oh, Raoul, how I've missed you --
Raoul
(hushed)
You don't recognize me.
Christine
I ... don't recognize you.
Raoul
(hurt)
You don't recognize me?
Christine
Uh ...
Raoul
I was the little boy who rescued your scarf from the ocean. Surely you remember that.
Christine
Oh yes, now I remember.
Raoul
(hushed)
You don't remember.
Christine
I don't remember. Look I only know the soundtrack. It's not like I've read the book.
Raoul
(crushed)
You don't remember?
Christine
Oh, um, I guess I remember now.
Raoul
(hushed)
No, you don't.
Christine
Sorry. Don't remember.
Raoul
Oh, Christine!
RAOUL runs off, accidentally losing his wig in the process. He returns, snatches the wig, and runs off again.
Christine
Well, all right then. Umm ... I guess I'm going to ... rehearse for the next opera.
CHRSTINE extemporizes an aria.
Phantom
(off)
Bravo!
Christine
(genuinely startled)
Oh my gosh.
Phantom
You sang like the angels in heaven. Tell me you love me.
Raoul bangs on the door.
Raoul
Christine?
christine
Umm, yes?
Raoul
(hushed)
Don't answer me.
(loud)
Who's in there?
Christine
I have no idea!
Phantom
You do have an idea. I am the angel of music.
Christine
Okay. Apparently it’s the angel of –-
Phantom
(hushed)
You’re not supposed to tell him that.
Christine
I’m not supposed to –-
Phantom
(hushed)
Just leave the room.
Christine
I am leaving the room now.
Raoul
Christine, where are you going?
Phantom
I have no idea.
Raoul
(hushed)
You’re not supposed to talk to me.
Christine
Oh my gosh.
Exit CHRISTINE.
Raoul
She's hardly herself, and it's as if she forgotten everything. Oh, my heart. And who is this villain who hides in her dressing room?
RAOUL enters CHRISTINE's dressing room.
Raoul
Show yourself! ... Why, there’s no one here. What is this strange mystery?
Enter MEG.
Meg
Monsieur, a letter from Christine.
Raoul
(hushed)
That was fast.
Meg
(hushed)
We're skipping scene three.
Raoul
(hushed)
Thank goodness.
Aside, enter CHRISTINE and the STAGE MANAGER. The STAGE MANAGER whispers the lines to CHRISTINE.
Christine
Raoul, I haven’t forgotten the boy who rescued my scarf from the ocean. ... Wait, then why did I say –-
Stage manager
Shh!
Christine
I have gone to visit my father's grave at Perros ... guh ... zhe ... zhu ... whatever, and, if you want to spend a day like the old days, come to the cemetery at Perros. There are many things I wish to tell you but dare not say in the opera house. Your little friend, Christine Daaé.
Exit CHRISTINE and STAGE MANAGER.
Raoul
I must go at once!
RAOUL dashes off, losing his wig again. He grabs it before the blackout.
1.3 - office
ARMAND is reading a letter.
Armand
"Dear Monsieur Manager, a charming evening. Daaé was exquisite. I will write you soon for the twenty-thousand francs owed for my monthly allowance. Kind regards, O. G." This opera ghost and his jokes are starting to annoy me.
Enter Madame GIRY (played by the same actor who played MEG).
Armand
Ah ... little Meg.
Giry
I am Madame Giry, Little Meg's mother.
Armand
Of course you are.
Giry
I've received a message from the opera ghost.
Armand
Why do you have a French accent?
Giry
Because I'm French.
Armand
We're all French.
Giry
Some are more French than others.
Armand
What's that supposed to mean?
Giry
The opera ghost left this in box five.
Armand
(trying to out-French Giry)
The opera ghost, you say?
Giry
He is not happy. Box five was to be reserved exclusively for him. But you allowed someone else to sit in it last night.
Armand
I'm not accustomed to taking orders from ghosts, Madame Giry.
Giry
If I were you, I'd beware, monsieur.
Armand
And how are you acquainted with this opera ghost? Or, as some say ... the phantom of the opera.
"Wrong Music and light Cue 1"
Techie
(off)
Sorry, wrong cue.
Giry
I've served him faithfully for years.
Armand
You've seen him?
Giry
No, but I've heard his voice, always in box five, where he tells me to set down his program on the chair. Sometimes he leaves me ten francs in tips. But last night, because someone was sitting in his box, he left me nothing!
Armand
He's demanding twenty-thousand francs from me! And you want me to pay it and refund an expensive box so that you can get your tip?
Giry
It would be advisable, monsieur.
armand
And how do you propose I pay this ... phantom of the opera.
"WRONG MUSIC AND LIGHT CUE 2"
Armand
(breaking character)
You really should get that fixed.
Techie
(off)
Sorry.
Giry
The usual method, monsieur. I will personally deliver your envelope to box five.
Armand
Oh, will you? And does the opera ghost give you a cut of his monthly allowance, or is Madame Giry bought for a mere ten francs?
Giry
I am a respectable woman, monsieur.
Armand
A respectable woman who takes bribes from ghosts?
Enter CARLOTTA.
CARLOTTA
Your little Christine is conspiring against me. Look!
Giry
(hushed)
You're in scene five. This is scene three.
Carlotta
Oh.
Exit CARLOTTA.
Giry
Though he does not like to be spoken of, you leave me with no choice. As only a ghost could declare, he promised me that if I serve him faithfully, he will make my daughter, little Meg, the empress of France.
Armand
That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Your services are no longer required.
Giry
Well, I never!
GIRY storms out.
Armand
Tomorrow night, I shall tend to box five myself. We shall see about this ... phantom of the opera.
"Correct music and light cue"
Armand
Thank you.
Blackout.
1.4 - Churchyard
"father's violin 1"
Enter a contemplative CHRISTINE.
Christine
Oh father, dear father,
I left you here to rest
And tried to move forward,
These feelings to suppress.
You've sent me your angel
To guide me from the grave,
But far from empowered,
Tell me why i feel a slave.
pray you'll grant me
Your courage
to let out my song.
Though my heart longs
For my true love,
You must help me be strong.
For your angel Commanded
That i shall ne'er be wed
And tells me that music
Shall be my groom instead.
Enter RAOUL.
Raoul
Christine!
Enter STAGE MANAGER, who's dressed as an elderly Swedish woman.
Raoul
And you are ...?
Stage manager
I am Mama Valerius, Christine’s adopted Swedish mother. Christine has a terrible head cold, so I am going to be speaking for her.
Raoul
Okay ...
Stage manager
Oh, Raoul, do you remember when we used to play here as children?
CHRISTINE tries to mirror the STAGE MANAGER's actions.
Raoul
How could I forget?
Stage manager
I have decided to tell you something serious, very serious.
Raoul
Is this you speaking or Christine?
StagE MANAGER
Christine. Do you remember the legend of the Angel of Music?
Raoul
It was here that your father first told it to us.
In the background, the PHANTOM, who's late for his cue, dashes to hide behind something.
Christine
(afraid)
Who was that?
Stage manager
And it was here that he said, 'When I am in Heaven, my child, I will send him to you.' Well, Raoul, my father is in Heaven now, and I have been visited by the Angel of Music.
Raoul
You meaning Christine.
Stage manager
Yes.
Christine
There's someone hiding over there.
Phantom
Shh!
Stage manager
He gives me lessons in my dressing room.
Raoul
In your dressing room? Christine ...
Christine
What?
Raoul
Not you, Christine, her Christine.
Stage manager
I only hear his voice. He never shows himself. I am an honest girl, Monsieur le Vicomte de Chagny, and I don't lock myself in dressing rooms with men.
Christine
(to Raoul)
I was just in there with you.
raoul, stage manager
Shh!
Raoul
Now that you mention it, I thought I heard a man in your dressing room, but when I opened the door, no one was there.
Stage manager
You see! ... Well?
Raoul
Well, Christine, I think someone is making game of you.
Stage manager
Oh, Raoul! I thought you, of all people, would understand.
The STAGE MANGER runs off crying.
Christine
Umm ... what she said.
CHRISTINE runs off. Aside, enter GASTON.
Gaston
Raoul passed the day in loneliness, and when night fell, lo, there, in the moonlight was Christine.
Christine
I wander through darkness,
A myster'ous midnight owl,
So charmed and enraptured,
I'm oblivious to Raoul.
Phantom
(still hiding)
Come to me, now ...
Christine
Oh my gosh.
Phantom
your angel.
I said I'd meet you here,
That if you're true
to your master,
Your father's violin
You would hear!
The silhouette of the PHANTOM plays "Frère Jacques" on a violin.
Christine
Umm ... father!
Raoul
What is this devilry?
Christine
Such sublime music! How can I resist?
Raoul
Snap out of it, Christine!
Christine
Who is Christine? I am zombie girl.
Phantom
CHRISTINE, COME TO ME.
Christine
(genuinely afraid)
Actually, I’ll pass.
phantom
(louder)
Christine, COME TO ME!
Christine
No, I'm good.
Raoul
(hushed)
You’re supposed to go to him.
Christine
All right, fine.
Raoul
No, don't be deceived!
Christine
But you just said –-
Raoul
You don’t know I’m here.
Christine
Sorry.
Raoul
Christine, look at me!
Don’t you know THAT I am here?
Christine
Oh my gosh.
Phantom
Meddling boy,
She belongs to me!
Eat skull!
The PHANTOM throws a skull at RAOUL, which RAOUL catches.
Raoul
Vile deceiver, is that the best you can do?
He throws the skull back.
Phantom
She could never love you. Your character's too boring. Take that!
The phantom accidentally throws the skull at CHRISTINE, who falls unconscious.
Phantom
Uhh ... I meant to do that.
Gaston
The last thing Raoul recalled seeing were two fiery eyes.
Raoul
The scene’s not over yet.
Gaston
Oh, sorry.
"Father's violin 2"
Raoul
Yes. I see, you charlatan, that this was part of your ... diabolical scheme to ... woo Christine by ... knocking her unconscious, so she can ...
Phantom
Dream about me.
Raoul
Yes. That makes sense.
Enter STAGE MANAGER.
Stage Manager
Ladies and gentlemen, can anyone else sing?
Raoul
Oh, come on. We were just starting to develop some chemistry.
Phantom
He thinks she’s hot.
Raoul
As if you don’t.
Phantom
I never said that. She’s totally hot.
Stage Manager
Uhh ...
Raoul
Thank you, Mama Valerius, but everything is under control.
RAOUL starts to push the STAGE MANAGER off.
Stage Manager
(hushed)
You’re supposed to be knocked out, not Christine.
RAOUL
(hushed)
I know that!
Gaston
Is anyone going to get her medical attention?
"Father's Violin 3"
Raoul
Have no fear, Christine. I will take you away from this ... bad guy. And I really hope he doesn’t throw another skull at me in the meantime.
Phantom
Good thinking, Raoul. I just might throw another skull at you in the meantime. In fact, that’s precisely what I’ll do.
The PHANTOM throws another skull, which hits CHRISTINE again.
Raoul
Oh, I’m so emotionally distraught, I’ve lost all sense of orientation.
RAOUL bonks his head on the gravestone.
Raoul
Oh!
He pretends to fall unconscious.
Gaston
The last thing Raoul recalled seeing were two fiery eyes. The next morning, he was discovered lying half-dead on the steps of the church.
The PHANTOM stands behind GASTON, who is startled.
Gaston
Oh my gosh.
Blackout.
1.5 - office
ARMAND is at his desk. Enter Madame GIRY holding a letter.
Armand
I thought I told you you're finished.
Giry
The opera ghost has left you a final letter.
Armand
(reading)
"So it is to be war between us! If you still care for peace, here is my ultimatum."
Aside, the silhouette of the PHANTOM continues to read the letter. The STAGE MANAGER lights the PHANTOM with an ominous low light.
Phantom
"One, you must give me back my private box. Two, the part of Margarita shall be sung this evening by Christine Daaé. Never mind Carlotta; she will be ill. Three, you are to deliver my monthly allowance immediately via the most excellent services of Madame Giry, whom, four, you will reinstate forthwith. If these conditions are not met, tonight's performance shall be cursed. Your loyal servant, O. G."
Armand
As far as I'm concerned, you can take your letter and your ghost and --
Enter CARLOTTA, also holding a letter.
Armand
Madame Carlotta, to what do we owe the pleasure?
Carlotta
Your little Christine is conspiring against me. Look!
As ARMAND reads ...
Phantom
"Madame Carlotta, you have a terrible cold. Don't even attempt to sing at the opera tonight, for if you do, you shall suffer a fate worse than death."
As the STAGE MANAGER attempts to enhance the spookiness of the PHANTOM's shadow, she accidentally backs into a wall and knocks it over.
Phantom
That's a ... sample of things to come.
ARMAND helps the STAGE MANAGER fix the wall.
Armand
Dear me, I ... hope the opera ghost doesn't leave us more threatening notes while I fix this wall.
phantom
Oh, I'm just getting started.
Armand
Do go on.
Phantom
Umm ... well ... did I mention there will be a curse?
Giry
Yes, you mentioned that.
Carlotta
How is he speaking to us in real time?
Phantom
I'm ... shouting through the vent.
GIRY
His voice is coming from the vent!
armand
How frightening. Perhaps we should ... check the basement.
PHANTOM
I'm not in the basement. I'm just ... really good at throwing my voice ... from the basement.
armand
That makes sense.
PHANTOM
As I was saying, if my conditions are not met, you shall suffer a curse beyond imagination!
carlotta
Infatuation?
PHANTOM
Imagination!
ARMAND and the STAGE MANAGER accidentally knock over the wall again.
Armand
Please ... don't go on.
(hushed)
Meaning go on.
Phantom
Oh, it will be terrible.
carlotta
Good heavens, he's going to ... cause an earthquake!
GIRY
He said beyond your imagination. It will be worse than an earthquake.
carlotta
Worse than an earthquake!
PHANTOM
Ladies, come on. I can't cause an earthquake.
armand
That's relieving.
PHANTOM
But it's going to be really bad.
CARLOTTA
Are you going to burn down the theater?
PHANTOM
No, I like the theater.
GIRY
He'll just smash it up all over.
PHANTOM
Look, I'm a patron of the arts. And once again, I said beyond imagination.
carlotta
I can imagine a lot. Fireballs, magical nooses, poisonous snakes falling from the ceiling.
giry
And tigers!
carlotta
Dear me, tigers everywhere.
GIRY
And yet it will be beyond that!
PHANTOM
Look, I do have a budget.
ARMAND and the STAGE MANAGER succeed at getting the wall back up but accidentally knock over another wall in the process.
armand
How much would you say?
PHANTOM
I'm not going to tell you my budget!
GIRY
Then we'd be able to imagine the curse.
Armand
I suppose it couldn't be that bad, considering I haven't paid his allowance.
PHANTOM
I can do a lot on a shoestring budget.
CARLOTTA
I was afraid he'd unleash a pandemic.
GIRY
Or cause a national food shortage.
carlotta
He probably just means slippery floors.
stage manager
Luckily we have good workers comp.
PHANTOM
Look, someone's going to die!
"Orchestral hit"
ARMAND, GIRY, and CARLOTTA gasp. Exit the PHANTOM.
Armand
Well, Carlotta, there's clearly only one rational thing to do right now: ignore all of his threats and keep you as the leading role in tonight's performance.
Giry
You skipped like twenty of my lines.
Armand
(hushed)
We're improvising, Rhonda.
(loud)
Now I sure hope the phantom doesn't ... black out the lights.
Carlotta
Isn't there something else you were going to tell me?
"Diva of destiny"
Armand
Oh, right, our big number.
Who needs that starry-eyed chorus girl?
Who is this ghost-man to question me?
True, christine's a slightly more gorgeous girl,
But you are the diva of destiny.
Carlotta
your flattery won't win me over now, monsieur.
She's the one i know you secretly prefer.
Armand
True she's achieving unrivaled success.
i've never heard longer ovations,
But your're under contract, and so you possess
Superior qualifications.
Giry
I am also just as good as I appear.
Armand
Crazy woman, tell me
why are you still here?
GIRY
he's threatened to murder once more.
Armand
they bought their tickets. Don't blame me.
Carlotta
That's what insurance is for.
Giry
Just how stupid can you be?
Carlotta, armand
how can patrons blame us
For negligence?
they paid for a night of suspense.
Oh, what fun!
GIRY
you're dumber with every verse.
CARLOTTA, ARMAND
WE ARE SO INTELLIGENT.
GIRY
perhaps i should call for a hearse.
CARLOTTA, ARMAND
BEAUTIFUL AND ELEGANT.
Armand
Who cares what the fans want ...
Carlotta
when we are so smart?
Carlotta, armand
We'll pound on their heads with our art!
Chorus
WHO NEEDS THAT STARRY-EYED CHORUS GIRL?
WHO IS THIS GHOST-MAN TO QUESTION ME?
TRUE, CHRISTINE'S A SLIGHTLY MORE GORGEOUS GIRL,
BUT you are THE DIVA OF DESTINY.
Carlotta
Ah ...
Giry
Everyone's crazy except moi.
Everyone's soft in the head.
olbivious, witless, fatheaded bourgeois,
Soon they are most certainly going to be dead.
Enter chorus.
Armand
She's the diva ...
Women
Diva!
Armand
The diva of destiny.
Women
Destiny! Destiny!
Armand
Yes she's the diva ...
Women
Diva!
Armand
The diva of destiny.
WOMEN
DESTINY! DESTINY!
Carlotta
Ah ...
AH ...
AH ...
AH ...
Chorus
AH ...
AH ...
AH ...
AH ...
Carlotta
Ah ...
men
SHE'S THE DIVA ...
WOMEN
DIVA!
men
THE DIVA OF DESTINY.
WOMEN
DESTINY! DESTINY!
men
YES SHE'S THE DIVA ...
WOMEN
DIVA!
ARMAND
THE DIVA OF DESTINY.
WOMEN
DESTINY! DESTINY!
They dance.
Chorus
WHO NEEDS THAT STARRY-EYED CHORUS GIRL?
WHO IS THIS GHOST-MAN TO QUESTION ME?
TRUE, CHRISTINE'S A SLIGHTLY MORE GORGEOUS GIRL,
BUT YOU are THE DIVA OF DESTINY!
Blackout.
1.6 - Chagny estate
The scene lights up, but no one's there. RAOUL's and the PHANTOM's mics are on.
PHANTOM
(off)
Has anyone seen my mask? I can’t find it anywhere.
Raoul
(off)
There's that one on the costume rack.
Phantom
(off)
Ooh, I really don't want to wear that one.
Raoul
(off)
You're trying to impress her, aren't you?
phantom
(off)
Do you think she's available?
Raoul
(off)
There's one way to find out. Ask her out, man. It's romantic, you as the phantom, she as Christine.
Phantom
(off)
Easier said than done. I'm no good with girls.
Enter PHILIPPE (RAOUL's older brother, played by the same actor who plays GASTON and ARMAND ("Gary")).
Raoul
(off)
Just be yourself: dark and brooding. Chicks dig that kind of thing.
Phantom
(off)
I can be dark.
Raoul
(off)
I'd go for her myself, but, you know, Eileen.
Phantom
(off)
How long have you two been dating?
Raoul
(off)
Well, technically, she and Gary are still a thing, but she's going to break up with him right after this show.
PHILIPPE (Gary) is traumatized.
Phantom
(off)
Why wait?
Raoul
(off)
You know, we didn't want to ruin his performance with emotional baggage.
Phantom
(off)
That makes sense.
Stage manager
(off)
Steve, you're supposed to be on!
Raoul
(off)
Oh, crap.
RAOUL runs on, pulling on a bandage. He sits on a chair and acts wounded. He and PHILIPPE exchange glares. Then RAOUL reads a letter from CHRISTINE.
Raoul
(reading)
"My dear, little playfellow ..."
Aside, enter CHRISTINE.
Christine
(reading a script)
You must have the courage not to see me again, not to speak of me again. If you love me just a little, do this for me, for me who will never forget you, my dear Raoul. My life depends upon it. Your life depends upon it. Your little Christine.
Exit CHRISTINE. Enter RAOUL's older brother, Count PHILIPPE, who's played by the same actor who plays GASTON and ARMAND.
Philippe
Oh, my dear, little brother.
Raoul
(hushed)
It's supposed to be Philippe.
Philippe
(hushed)
I am Philippe.
(loud)
Tell me, how, again, how was it, that you were found lying half dead on the steps of a church?
Raoul
I told you, Philippe. I was attacked by the opera ghost.
Philippe
Indeed. And how did this ghost attack you?
Raoul
Well, my memory's a bit foggy, but I think it was like this.
Attempting to recreate the PHANTOM's attack, RAOUL accidentally pummels PHILIPPE.
Raoul
Sorry.
Philippe
(in pain)
And where does it hurt most?
Raoul
Right here.
Philippe
Right here you say?
PHILIPPE vengefully jabs RAOUL.
Raoul
Yes! Right there.
Philippe
Does it hurt anywhere else?
Raoul
No. Nowhere else.
Philippe
Are you sure?
Raoul
Quite sure.
Philippe
So if I were to jab right here ...
PHILIPPE jabs RAOUL somewhere else, and RAOUL cries in pain.
Philippe
... it wouldn't hurt?
Raoul
(in pain)
Not a bit.
Philippe
Raoul, your obsession with this silly girl and her ghost stories is making our family ridiculous. Listen to this.
(reading from a newspaper)
"If the gossips are to be trusted, Raoul de Chagny, the young Vicomte, against the will of his brother, Count Philippe, is determined to make Mademoiselle Daeé his wife, notwithstanding the fact that she is far beneath the status of the Chagnys. Though the brothers are said to adore each other ..."
Raoul
That's an understatement.
Philippe
"... this rift between passion and propriety will likely end in scandal."
Raoul
Well, are the gossips to be trusted?
Philippe
Of course they are. And if you cared about the honor of our family, you would leave this girl alone.
Raoul
She would like that.
Philippe
What?
Raoul
(showing his letter)
She asked me to never see her again.
Philippe
And so you shan't.
Raoul
No doubt she's in love with her ghost.
Philippe
Do you hear yourself?
Raoul
And yet she called me her dear. Why is she so secretive? Could there still be hope? I must see her again, even if only from a box in the opera house.
PhilippE
Raoul, I forbid it!
RAOUL snatches the newspaper and reads.
Raoul
(reading)
"We believe the count is curiously mistaken if he imagines that brotherly love will triumph over love pure and simple." Oh, my heart.
PHILIPPE
So your heart hurts does it? How about right here?
PHILIPPE jabs RAOUL again.
Raoul
I hate you.
Blackout.
1.7 - opera
"The Mistress of midnight 1"
CARLOTTA and CHRISTINE are performing a scene from "The Paranormal Piccolo". CARLOTTA plays the Mistress of Midnight while CHRISTINE plays the Mistress's daughter. Aside, RAOUL and ARMAND watch the show in box five.
Carlotta
Come, frail youth.
don't even dream of taking flight.
Face your doom:
The mistress of the midnight!
Dare you bring a
dagger without stain?
You were sent to see
that not an enemy remains.
Dare you love a man
who's pure and good?
How anyone prefer's the light,
I've never understood.
Either you do all I ask:
See to every stroke
Of your bloody task,
Or you're cast
Forever from my sight,
The penalty for crossing
The mistress of the night!
Armand
Delightful evening, what?
RAOUL
Oh, Philippe.
Armand
Armand.
Raoul
Uh ... quite, though don't you think Miss Daaé is worthy of a bigger role?
Armand
The phantom certainly thinks so. That blackmailing jackanapes said there would be a curse if his demands weren't met. Well I've never seen a more lovely performance.
Phantom
(off, booming loud)
Tonight Carlotta shall croak like the toad she is.
Raoul
Did you hear a voice?
Armand
No, I definitely did not hear that voice ... referring to no voice in-particular. Because there was no voice to hear.
raoul
Indeed.
Armand
Though if there was a voice, I would say that someone ought to turn his microphone down a bit ... hypothetically speaking.
Carlotta
gods of darkness, hear my curse,
how I vow to banish her,
Evermore to vanish her.
darkness fills the universe.
To my power you'll succumb.
Love is stupid. Love is dumb.
Ah ah ...
CARLOTTA makes an animal sound that is definitely not a toad. The cast gasps, and the music cuts out.
Armand
Oh, how frightful. She ... croaked.
Raoul
Yes, that was definitely a croak.
Armand
After the manner of one of the lesser-known species of toads, no doubt.
Raoul
They make toads of all kinds these days.
Armand
Why, just last week, I myself croaked like a ... Siberian elephant toad.
Raoul
It could happen to anyone.
Armand
Though supposing that wasn't a croak, someone really ought to check their sounds effects.
Raoul
Hypothetically speaking.
Armand
Yes.
(to Carlotta)
Carry on!
"THE MISTRESS OF midnight 2"
Carlotta
Ah ah ...
CARLOTTA "croaks" again and again as the audio technician plays the wrong sound effects. Off, the PHANTOM laughs menacingly.
Phantom
(off)
She is singing to bring the chandelier down!
At once the chandelier drops a foot or two, and everyone screams. Then the chandelier gets caught and stops falling.
carlotta
Oh, I really hope the chandelier doesn't fall some more and hurt someone.
The chandelier falls some more, and everyone resumes screaming. Then the chandelier gets caught again.
Carlotta
Well, we're going to leave now so that ... no one ... dies.
Exeunt. Enter GASTON.
"The mirror"
Gaston
One was killed and many were injured in the terrible disaster of the chandelier. Meanwhile, all Christine could think about was the safety of the ones she loved.
Christine
(looking out into the house)
Raoul, are you alive?
Raoul
I narrowly escaped with my life.
Christine
And what of my angel? Perhaps he was out there somewhere. I must see if he's all right.
CHRISTINE runs off.
Raoul
Christine, wait!
Blackout.
1.8 - Christine's dressing room
Enter CHRISTINE.
Christine
Angel! Can you hear me? Oh, Angel, I need to know you're all right. Say something.
Phantom
(booming)
I am here!
Christine
Oh my gosh. ... How long must you hide yourself from me?
Phantom
You want to see me?
Christine
I feared I might have lost you.
Phantom
Then go towards the mirror. I am there, waiting for you.
Christine
That makes sense.
Phantom
Christine, come to me.
Christine
Beautiful bunnies bouncing with bliss.
Enter RAOUL.
Raoul
Christine, where are you!?
Phantom
Christine, come to me!
CHRISTINE
Twitterpated lovers stealing a kiss.
Raoul
She's in there. Open the door! Let me in!
phantom
Step into the mirror.
Don't ask me why or how.
Escape from all your fears.
Come now. Come now!
CHRISTINE attempts to step into the mirror and gets whacked.
Christine
Ouch!
Phantom
You were supposed to wait for the light change.
Christine
How am I supposed to know these things?
"THE PHANTOM BREAKS THE OPERA 1"
The lights change, and the mirror is made passable. The PHANTOM steps out. CHRISTINE bursts out laughing at the sight of the PHANTOM's cat mask.
Raoul
Umm ... what's so funny?
Phantom
Someone misplaced my good mask, okay?
Christine
Sorry.
"The Phantom Breaks the Opera 2"
The CHRISTINE passes through the mirror with the PHANTOM. Then RAOUL breaks through the door and finds himself alone.
Raoul
Dad-sizzle!
Blackout.
1.9 - labyrinth
The PHANTOM and CHRISTINE pass through the secret, underground passages of the opera house.
Christine
lurking in shadows, He's there,
An angel of music,
who comes when i call.
mysterious spectre, Declare:
tell me your will
As we pass through the wall.
puzzling hallways appear,
Revealing the path
To a dark, hidden lair.
Driven with wonder and fear,
My mind says go forward,
My heart says beware.
For what could you be hiding
Beneath that mask
That dazzles with death?
with whom am i confiding
While taking your hand
And feeling your breath?
The phantom breaks the opera,
smashing throuhgh my head!
The PHANTOM leads CHRISTINE onto a rowboat, which he paddles over a misty stage.
Phantom
Though i'm elsuive and weird,
All of your fantasies Now have begun.
Check out what i've engineered.
I am a genius In more ways than one.
YOU KNOW IT'S ROMANTIC TO STOCK.
I'VE WATCHED YOU THROUGH KEYHOLES
AND LISTENED THROUGHTS VENTS.
NOW YOU ARE IN FOR A SHOCK!
OF PREMIUM FOG JUICE,
I SPARED NO EXPENSE.
The PHANTOM accidentally whacks CHRISTINE with his paddle, knocking her unconscious.
Phantom
No longer am i hiding.
Now you are my mask,
And i am your voice.
He checks on CHRISTINE's vitals and signals to the STAGE MANAGER for help. When the STAGE MANAGER sees the situation, she runs off in panic.
Phantom
our paths now coinciding,
Believe me, it's fate.
You don't have a choice.
Phantom
THE PHANTOM breaks THE OPERA,
SMASHING THROUHGH your HEAD!
The STAGE MANAGER returns with a defibrillator and shocks CHRISTINE back to consciousness. Exit STAGE MANAGER.
Phantom
Now you are under my spell!
Soon you'll discover
your home in my hall.
TO LIFE AS YOU KNEW, SAY FAREWELL!
Christine
I could sure use one or two tylenol.
phantom
I know it's so euphoric.
Christine
or just take home instead.
Christine
THE PHANTOM breaks THE OPERA,
SMASHING THROUHGH MY HEAD!
phantom
THE PHANTOM breaks THE OPERA,
SMASHING THROUHGH your HEAD!
They park the boat and step out.
Phantom
It's time for another singing lesson.
Christine
Ah ...
Phantom
Lift your larynx!
Christine
Ah ...
Phantom
Push higher!
Christine
Ah ...
How much longer must we keep going?
Phantom
Tighten your abdomen!
Christine
That's bad advice.
Phantom
Sing!
Christine
Ah ...
Phantom
Stop sucking!
Christine
Ah ...
Not another keychange.
Phantom
Sing!
Christine
Ah ...
The chandelier falls, almost hitting them both. Blackout.